MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Thank you, CanBird. It's not fun. Well what about any of this could be fun, right? We were never promised an easy life. God, why couldn't we have an easy life? But then here we are...

So this morning I did the opposite of Dbing. I asked my H how he was doing when his alarm rang and before he got out of bed. It's all a jumble right now so I will do my best to share the story so maybe I can gain clarity or get someone else's perspective.

We talked about how we always promised to stay best friends. But we haven't even been real with each other. I get that we can't believe what an MLCer says. But he says he thinks people may have betrayed his trust because some of the things I've said or done have indicated that others may have shared things he told them in confidence. I asked him what things? He says he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to know if they did or not. I admitted that over the past few months I have tried to listen in on his conversations and that I have checked his various accounts. We agreed when he was "trying" to work on us that this is what I could do. I even have a tracking device on his phone.

After our talk this morning, he disabled the tracker. I found out and went to tell him I knew he did that. He said it's because he was mad- not sure if he's mad because I admitted I was tiring to listen in on him since this happened or what really. He is so mad about a lot of things.

He never uses the term angry. He hates angry people and believes I have had rage and anger and he is afraid of me. I've never hit him, but I have pounded on the ground or even hit my own self in the past. So I get why that scares him. A little background... his family doesn't express any feelings or talk about anything that may be considered "negative." They don't share problems, even medical history. They like to act as if everything is always perfect and always ok. My Family, we talked about everything growing up. Our angst. Our worries. Our pain. This is actually one reason I think he was attracted to me. I was so open about how I feel, what I think- good and bad, and how I see the world. In the past, that was ok. He loved it. Since this all came out 4+ months ago, now this is something he has a hard time with. It's hard to know how to be.

Anyway, during our talk this morning and before the whole tracker thing, we talked about how he feels I have been "robotic" and fake in at least 50% of our interactions. He feels awkward around me now and neither of us knows how to communicate. I shared that during MC a few weeks ago, he shared that he needs space. He needs to stop being "analyzed." He wants to run away and not have to deal with these feelings. He's confused and doesn't want to be rushed.

So I did the whole dbing thing. And now I'm robotic and fake. I can't really win here. I'm being upbeat. Staying away from any R talks or anything I think may upset him because he's confused, needs space to think on his own, and not have to deal with any of my feelings.

What should I be doing? My instinct tells me the 180 I was doing isn't working. It feels like now he needs to let his feelings out towards me. That the anger is actually getting worse because he's not sharing it. Being trapped at home is actually making things worse in that regard. We've pretended to be civil, but maybe that's not the way anymore?

I am so lost. When I told him I was removing the tracker app (which he installed BTW), I told him that it seems like he has things he wants to tell me. That I am open to hearing all the terrible things I've done. That I know he needs to let it out and I am willing to listen and not judge or blame or defend. I am willing to hear what he has to say. I told him that I want him to know, without a doubt that there is one person who absolutely loves him unconditionally.

I said this not because I am willing to be a doormat. On the contrary. The one thing I am SURE about is that my biggest value is LOVE. And that I am willing to love unconditionally.

This does not mean that I will accept all the blame. I won't. It means that I am willing to see as he sess. I am willing to accept that his perception of me, us and our life is HIS. I can't change it. I can't argue it away. It's his. And loving someone is knowing that they won't always, maybe not even most of the time, see things your way. But it is being willing to hear/listen to them. For them to feel validated, seen and heard if not agreed with.

So although I may not be doing this 180 thing right, right now. I am going with what I think will work. That is once again opening the door to conversation. Because this whole pretending we don't have issues, well it hasn't been working.

We'll see if he wants to share. I won't push it again. I'll let him tell me whatever he's ready to tell me when he's ready.

I will be open. I will prepare myself for the pain and the desire to defend. I am asking God for strength to change me. So that I will have my arms, heart, mind, and spirit wide open. That I will let whatever hurtful words, images, ideas, thoughts flow through me without snagging on my own feelings of denial, betrayal, defensiveness, or anger.

That he will feel heard. He will feel understood. He won't reach out to others. Even when the MC said to. I'm it. He's not even reaching out to the AP. If he was, he wouldn't be this distressed. So there it is. I am going to see where this goes. Praying for a miracle that maybe a little healing may start...