Affair Fog-LRT 2

[sandi2]

We were seeing a MC who specializes in divorce mediation. We liked him, but I stopped going due to her (at the time) contnuing to talk to the OM

Divorce mediation does not sound the same as a qualified therapist working with the couple to heal and save their M. Isn't it someone who works to resolve issues in the divorce? Maybe I'm wrong. One thing I'm not wrong about is this........as long as your WW is continuing to contact OM, she's not going to do the work to save her MR. Her work begins when she ends all contact with OM.

We really didn't talk about it. We just said if there was a lockdown we would have to suck it up and live together to get through this.

Why would you have to live together to get through this health crisis? Did she give an explanation, or did she just say that's what you'd need to do......and you didn't object to her? I only bring this up b/c I have a feeling some of communication issues in the past were due to her not clearly stating things and you assuming what she meant. (I am bad at making assumptions, also.)

I implied that to mean she would move out when it is done. I have decided she needs to end contact with the OM (I haven't even asked her because I am detaching and focusing on myself),

Yep, I can see how communication is a big problem.

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We started talking logistics of the week (she begins working from home as I do so we talked about what that would look like for our D). She asked if she could have dinner at the house due to working late. I agreed. At that point, she said, we are taking this one day at a time. I didn't really respond and refocused on my D. We did hang out outside for a few hours and we did have laughs and good discussion (not about the A). I realize this may look like she is trying to brush this under the rug, which she could be, but I will not allow her off the hook that easy.

I suspect rug sweeping is exactly what she's trying to do. I've seen this same scenario played many times, and almost the same words spoken by the WW. WW's are like snakes who try to slither through a crack. She thinks she can be nice a couple of days and you won't require anything more from her. She's going to be surprised, may even get riled up when she finds out you aren't that easily played. Look, I know you want to believe she has kicked her OM to the curb, but please don't bank on it. Just b/c she isn't seeing him in person, doesn't mean she's not in contact with him. When your W said, "We are taking this one day at a time", was when you should have spoke up and let her know where you stand. Oh boy, have I heard that line used by many WW's who had no intention of doing the right thing. She's looking out for number one, and thinks she can just slither under the door and the H will have to accept it.

Should I ask if she is going to move in as a result of a lockdown? I would definitely ask if was her just moving in w/o a lockdown.

I'm confused. I thought she was there. Anyway, here's my suggestion. You can ask her what her intentions are. If she still beats around the bush, then tell her you are not in favor of her staying there indefinitely.....without a commitment from her to do the necessary work to save the M. Also tell her that you won't settle for just taking one day at a time to see if things will simply ease back into a comfortable arrangement, b/c a lot more will be required before you are willing to live under the same roof without a serious commitment to saving the MR. If she asks what you mean, then you can start by telling her you won't live in an open marriage, and she'll need to end all manner of contact with OM. If she claims they've broken up or whatever, you tell her you wish you could believe her, but it's not that simple anymore. She has betrayed your trust, so if she wants to reconcile, then she needs to agree to transparency. No matter how she balks, or cries that it is intrusion of privacy, or claims you only want to control her.......stick to your guns. Don't back down. There is no need to bring up anything else, until she agrees to no contact with OM, and agrees to transparency. Understand? If she agrees, then you can continue with the rest of your terms. If she doesn't agree, then tell her there is nothing else to say at this time, and then leave the room or whatever.

I had hoped she wouldn't play this game, and you could wait until after the lock down period. However, since she's already making noises about taking a day at a time, that's a signal she plans to settle down and live like roommates. If you feel you are strong enough to handle it, then go ahead and approach her. But don't start out by asking her about the OM. You need to tell her what you need in order to reconcile, and if she won't cooperate, then you will prepare to take the next step. (The next step, meaning you will seek legal separation or divorce.) If you can't back up your words, then don't even put it out there. BTW, do not agree to an "in-house separation". That's the worse thing you could do. I've never seen it work.

But she is definitely beginning to change.

She has showed no real changes. You had a couple of good days, b/c she wants to come home. That's all. True changing doesn't come that easy! A wayward W has it pretty rough while making real changes, b/c she has to get her heart/mindset right and try to make amends for everything she's done to you. Her old stubborn pride will want to hold her back. She'll want to tell you "her terms" of reconciliation. She's in no position to give terms, b/c you are the betrayed party. I'm not saying you don't have things to work on, but she can't be all high & mighty, laying down the rules to you. I've seen many, many WW's play that card. No, that doesn't work. She is the one who broke the wedding vows, not you. You can't afford to be weak when you are dealing with her. It's hard, b/c you want her back, but if you won't back down, there's a good chance she'll work through this and your M will be saved. She may refuse at first, but if she wants to live with you......she'll decide to do the necessary work.

All I can do is try to warn you how a WW operates. It doesn't matter that you know her as your W, b/c she is no longer that same person. Currently, I don't think you know this wayward wife at all. In my WW thread on "Help for the Newcomer LBH with a WW #2" I talk about the danger of taking back a WW too quickly and too easily.......if you are interested in reading it.