QUOTE So anyway, your W has been involved with OM, right? That means she not only has a wayward mindset, but she's openly rebelled against her M. Therefore, you need to understand that it's going to take work for both of you to heal from the effects of this affair. Your work and her work will not look the same. I encourage couples to seek a professional family therapist who specialize in couples healing after an affair. Don't go to some common MC.
We were seeing a MC who specializes in divorce mediation. We liked him, but I stopped going due to her (at the time) contnuing to talk to the OM
QUOTE Here's the thing, even if she has ended her affair, you would still need to follow certain terms in order to have a successful reconciliation.......unless you are willing to live in a sexless, loveless relationship for the rest of your life. You don't want that type of arrangement, do you? There was nothing I could determine about her moving home that indicated she was willing to work on the MR. Nothing about the M or the A was discussed, right? Like other unrepentant wayward wives, she told you the terms, and said nothing about working on the M. You don't know if OM is still in the picture, or anything. One thing's for sure.......just moving back doesn't mean reconciliation. I agree. She is trying to find a way in but I will post an update below as there has been some effort on her part to begin to own her horrible behaviors.
QUOTE I think some of your confusion may be due to the possible lock down and her coming to stay a few days. Let's separate this by defining it as the lock down stay. It's not really an emergency, b/c she could stay where she's been staying, but just in order to help you distinguish two different events, we will refer to the lock down stay as one event, and the reconciliation as another event.
That is a good way to look at it.
QUOTE Was the agreement about her staying for the period of the lock down? Then don't look at this as some hidden sign that she wants to reconcile. It is a temporary stay! It is not a marriage reconciliation. You need to conduct yourself like it is nothing more than a temporary stay through the lock down.
We really didn't talk about it. We just said if there was a lockdown we would have to suck it up and live together to get through this. I implied that to mean she would move out when it is done. I have decided she needs to end contact with the OM (I haven't even asked her because I am detaching and focusing on myself), she continues IC (she was going but things have changed with the Corona), full transparency, and begin MC. She will not stay here unless those things happen. I am thinking 3-6 MC sessions before I even determine if she can come back. However, I don't even think we can get an appointment right now with everything closing.
QUOTE If she really brings all her stuff back, like she's truly moving back? That's when you should speak up and get the low down on where she stands. Don't accept her excuses of not sure how she feels, or anything less than her willingness to cease all forms of contact with OM (and any other man), and will agree to full transparency. If she isn't willing to do the necessary work to save the M, then you shouldn't let her come back.
She barely even took anything out of the house other than clothes. But I will know her intentions before I agree to any longer stay. She needs to respect my wishes on R if she is moving in.
QUOTE If she throws something at you and you're not sure how to respond, remember these words: "I'll have to think about it and let you know". I mean, you don't say it to every little thing, but if you seriously don't know which way to go, tell her these words, and then come to the board for advice.
Great advice.
QUOTE Separate the two possible periods she might come and stay. If she comes for the lock down period, then don't discuss the relationship with her. If she continues staying well after lock down period has past........then you speak up and about her intentions. I'm trusting that you did not verbally agree for her to stay there indefinitely, since you didn't say so in your post. If I'm wrong, then tell me.
There was no long term talk of her staying or going. However, she will know what I expect if she plans to come back for good. My hope is there isn't a lockdown and she can't move in until I say.
QUOTE No.....not IC. She needs to be willing to go with you to a family therapist who works with couples healing after an affair. Yes, she certainly needs to own her own her cr@p.
I agree.
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I will continue to DB but I was only cordial today.
What does that mean?
It means I was acting confident in myself, seeming happy and content, but also civil towards her.
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I really appreciate Sandi, Mumin, and everyone else who has offered me advice. I'm extremely thankful for this site.
As long as you will keep posting, you will get replies from those who want to give you support. We all have different personalities and styles of writing, but we have the same end goal in mind.
I want to remind you not to share with her what we say on the board. We are giving YOU the tools to use.
Don't give up. Things did not get to this place in a day, and they won't heal in a day. Continue to ask any questions you may have, and please don't hesitate to ask for clarification of anything I've stated.
