Quick recap— found out my H had been in a 2 year long-distance PA at the end of December, after months of trickle truth (first ILYB, then an EA). 2 kids. After the final BD we had a few weeks of torture when he couldn’t decide what to do except that he wanted us to figure it out together (remaining “best friends” with me was a non-negotiable for him, which obviously was not going to happen if he left). I had read DR in April after the first BD and put a number of the DB strategies into play, and then found this lifesaving board after he told me he had an “emotional connection” with someone in August, so have been doing my best to DB for wow… the better part of a year, now.
We saw a discernment counselor in January and he decided to end the A and work it out with me, though not because he was choosing ME so much as choosing our life together with a focus on the children. He’d probably seen her 12-15 times over the course of two years but was ready to throw our entire R away and was very ambivalent for a long time (they’d been “trying” to break up for the entire second year of the A).
He went to her city on a business trip six weeks ago and asked me to let him end it with her on his own terms and not dictate anything, which I agreed to, since it was all outside of my control anyway.
He’s been NC for a little over five weeks now. We’re still seeing the counselor (well we were, at least, before everything changed this past week with the coronavirus pandemic) which has shifted from DC into… not really MC yet, more like facilitated/structured communication in preparation for eventual MC.
Things are generally very good between us. The coronavirus situation seems to have brought out the best in our R and he’s been very supportive, kind, funny, helpful… kind of like the perfect H except that the romance part isn’t there between us. Lots of acts of service (my primary LL), not a lot of physical touch still (his primary LL). Pommy, you'd asked me about that-- should I respond-- I feel like I did previously and he kind of reacted weirdly, like he wasn't doing it on purpose and it freaked him out when I acknowledged or touched him back. So I've been kind of playing it like I don't really notice. After MC a couple of weeks ago he told me he was having a hard time with the romance part and I have not pushed that at all. I’ve been frankly amazed at how well we’ve repaired after a couple fights, and overall in the day-to-day, when I’m not remembering about the A, we are better friends and partners than we’ve been in a long, long time.
But… we aren’t talking about what happened. We’d been mostly only discussing it weekly in MC and now that is probably on hold for awhile. MC had counseled me to relax and that this will all take time, H is grieving, not ready to dive into real MC yet and work on building M2.0… but I still have all these unanswered questions about the A, and about my H (why this happened, how i’ll know it won’t happen again, etc ) plus just a lot of unprocessed anger and grief about the fact my H had been in a relationship and believed himself to be totally in love with another woman.
We briefly talked about it the other day— he suggested maybe we each see the MC on our own for the next two weeks and we can figure out what to do after that— but I’m not sure we’ll even be able to do that (maybe over the phone?). I said maybe we should just find time to talk about it in the evenings after the kids go to bed and he said “can we get through all this coronavirus crisis first and then deal with it?” (smh)
I’ve been thinking about the A more than I like to. He definitely seems to be in a less “precarious” place than we was in the first couple of weeks after ending the A, when he was saying things like “you won.” I’d found some sappy Spotify playlists with love and break-up songs on it that were shared with one other person (the AP), which really drives me bonkers as H and I share a Spotify playlist and so since I figured out what they were, I now scroll down every time I open the app to see if they’re still there. (They are.) When I’d asked him about them a few weeks ago at MC, he was very much in the “I don’t want to do anything because you told me to” mode and was upset that I was focusing on things like the playlists rather than his presence (I’m here, I’m wearing my ring, I’m at MC with you… these are the things that really matter, I could delete the Spotify playlist and make you happy but it won’t mean anything, blah blah blah).
When we had the conversation about how to handle the MC a couple of days ago, I said there were things he knew he could do to make it better, and he said what? I mentioned the playlists and he looked surprised and a little embarrassed and said, I had forgotten about those, I never listen to them, I can delete them, there are just a few songs on there I like that I’d kind of like to move somewhere else. I didn’t say anything in response.
Generally, I feel like I just need to continue to be patient and like the MC and my DB coach have said, focus on our friendship for now. I want to keep reminding myself to focus on what I can control (myself) and what I can’t (H plus the craziness in the world right now) and also to be grateful for all the progress we have made. I recently re-read some of my journal from the fall and the pain and confusion was so deep… I am definitely in a much better place now than I was then, and I think about what if the coronavirus situation had hit when he was still in the A and how awful that would have been…. so I’m grateful for that, even if we aren’t where I want to be, yet.
So. I know what I want and what I’m not seeing from him yet… and I also definitely see small positive change in the right direction these last five weeks. GALing seems impossible right now. I got the girls to do online yoga with me (H actually joined in too), which was nice, yesterday we both did a ton of yardwork and today H spent all afternoon making an amazing bolognese sauce. The grocery stores in our area are out of flour so no more baking We’ll be WFH and no school until at least April 30.
Anyway, been thinking about the wonderful community here and hoping people are staying safe and healthy. virtual hugs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
We’ll be WFH and no school until at least April 30.