Have you listen to anything I say about WW's? Just b/c she repeated the things you pounded into her head, does not mean squat, if she hasn't ended all contact with her affair partner. The WW will try to make her H believe he has to trust her. No, he doesn't. She has to prove herself through a long period of transparency, and consistently doing the necessary work to save the M. IMHO, I doubt she has broken contact with OM, and she's gaslighting you. You need to go fishing for evidence. Asking her if she's being deceitful, is not evidence. You can let it ride for a while, then check her phone without her knowledge (since she agreed to transparency). If she has a burner, she'll eventually get careless.
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Transparent, sharing location and trying.
Really? Does she volunteer to show or tell you where she is........or have you looked at her phone activity when she wasn't watching you? Of course, she can find many ways around it, if she isn't seriously trying to make the MR work. volunteering what information she decides to share, isn't worth much.
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Through talking and R I feel we've finally got to the bottom of what the real problem has been all along now though: sex and physical intimacy.
Of course it is! A married woman can't love two men at the same time. She can't even love one, if she doesn't respect him as a man. She lost attraction for you b/c she stopped respecting you. So, is she trying to sleep in separate beds, or is she just rejecting your advances?
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Many years ago (before we were engaged) I had doubts about the relationship. I overcame those doubts and proposed and we subsequently got married. What the vocalising of those doubts did to W though was apparently to turn her off sexually and she has been struggling ever since.
WW's b.s.
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When the M went through a rough patch last year it tipped her over the edge which led to the A. I believe this to be the case from what else I know and it also explains a lot and reduces my fears substantially of OM which is really helpful to our R. It finally fits.
You are listening to her lies, and she wants you to believe her waywardness has nothing to do with the problems in the MR. She wants you to buy this false excuse, so that she doesn't have to engage in sex.
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It finally fits.
No, it doesn't fit. Expressing your doubts about your relationship back in the dating years would not turn her off sexually. Maybe she was never attracted to you, but why did she go through the engagement and the wedding? Why stay M to you? It doesn't fit.
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W is therefore not wanting to be physical (being true to how she feels), but says she wants to want it more than anything because everything else is perfect.
Being true to how she feels is classic WW talk. The fact she is saying everything else is perfect, tells me she is lying to you. Listen, if she had really ended all forms of contact with the OM, she'd be suffering from withdrawals. It usually takes several months just to get through the withdrawals. She can't fall out of love with you, into love with OM, then out of love with him and bounce back into love with you again. I mean, she "can", but it takes sufficient time. If you've been pressing her for sex, like I suspect you have..........you know, to seal the deal? That's what most LBH's want, to assure themselves she's for real. Well, she's not being real with you. I agree that it takes time for a recovering WW to start feeling sexual desire for the H she disrespected, but your WW is feeding you a bucket of b.s. She wanted to come back home, but she doesn't want to cut OM out of her life. If you are wise, you won't share with her what I'm saying here. There are a few things the LBH needs to keep to himself, as a measuring tool to know if his WW is anywhere close to authenticity.
I think you probably over-shared too much DB information with her during all those R talks. Some pushy LBH's tell the WW exactly what emotion and/or response he needs to see from her, in order to reconcile. I'm not talking about his requirements to reconcile (like attending family therapist sessions, who deals with couples healing from an affair). You were checking everything off the list, and that usually means the LBH has described in length what he needs to see in her before taking her back.......like remorse, taking responsibility, apologize, etc. Maybe I'm wrong, and I hope I am.........but I don't think I am.
It's not the end of the road for the M, but you need to hang very close to the board so that you have better balance in what you are really seeing & hearing. Will you keep posting? This can turn around, but it won't happen quickly, and not until she starts being honest.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
