Wooba, thanks so much for sharing that. It does help me. I'd like to believe it's true, too. And I am thankful that H still has a job and is keeping us fed and housed, that I am healthy, that my family is still healthy. That's a heck of a lot to be grateful for.
It's evening here--H is in the other room watching a movie "with" his buddies (& wearing headphones); they're all online from their homes. He made a conference call with all of them again this morning, complete with mimosa in hand, and they played games for a while. My heart doesn't race as fast when I hear him on the phone, and I don't get as tense. I'm getting used to it, and of course it helps that I realize now it's just a friend thing, no AP there by the sound of it. So they bother me, really, because I'm jealous, and I want to be one of those people he calls, and I miss him. Time will help with indifference.
Last night raised my spirits, because H finally brought groceries into the house and cooked himself a nice meal. It's been ages since he's done that, and I was glad he was taking care of himself in that way. He seemed like he was actually enjoying cooking, rather than trying to get out of the kitchen as fast as possible. I was in the kitchen making cookies and we joked a bit. I asked what he was making. He offered me a bowl, and I said, thanks--maybe I will. I went back to my room to wait for the cookie timer, and a few minutes later he called in to let me know the meal was done if I wanted any. I was pleasantly surprised by the offer and did take some even though I'd planned to eat some leftovers. I wanted to reinforce good behavior, plus it smelled really good! He ate at the table/his new workspace with a movie playing, and I went back to my room. He called in to me a few times to tell me about the recipe, and when I went back in I thanked him for sharing and told him how much I'd enjoyed it. He said, sure, but I'm stealing some of your cookies!
It was a nice exchange, because we both enjoyed something the other had made. It felt like we were both kind humans living together again. He also let me know he'd ordered vanilla beans to make us more vanilla since we were out, which is something that takes weeks. A little of the pressure I'd been feeling dissolved: like, okay, he's probably not secretly resenting me for living here, he's not going to suddenly want to kick me out or something. Those are irrational fears. I think I'm still scarred by the months living with angry H, and with this shelter at home shift, and after the ear plugs comment, I was worrying he'd go back that direction.
But he has been respectful so far. I was also delighted to find that he fell asleep at 9 last night playing a video game, so I actually went to bed later than he did. He napped today too. Those signs that he is human do help with my anger.
He has gone out a few times, and I feel a little on edge that he's around people that could put my health at risk, but then he mentioned wearing a mask at a store once, and I heard him say to someone he was at the park with (a group, a person?), but sitting very far away. So I think I can rationalize that fear away too.
DnJ, thank you so much for spending time walking me and so many others through our fears and worries. You help more than you know.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Please remember I’m not arguing. Rationalizing against one’s own emotions is difficult. We actually fight against it.
Yes, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm fighting against it, and so I always appreciate you breaking things down and pointing this out! Your reminder to not taking his behavior personally helped. Maybe it's better that I am able to recognize some parts of him even in the midst of the lifestyle changes he's made--sometimes that's hard, because I can still see H in alien H, and it makes him seem so close, yet so far, but if he was unrecognizable, maybe that would mean he was that much more lost.
I like the dog parable, DnJ. That last line was especially wonderful, as it surprised me and made me start my day with a laugh.
The sea is calm right now, and I'm resting with the sun on my face. It'll probably get choppy again soon, and I'll be riding waves. I can do that (even if it means more venting here!).
He ate at the table/his new workspace with a movie playing, and I went back to my room. He called in to me a few times to tell me about the recipe, and when I went back in I thanked him for sharing and told him how much I'd enjoyed it. He said, sure, but I'm stealing some of your cookies! 