MLC newbie

[Believe6]

How do you cope when you think it's all going ok... You go out as a family on a hike and you are dealing with the pain of knowing that your MLCer doesn't feel the same way about you or your life as you do. You hold back the pain and pay attention to your kids. Trying to laugh at the family banter and seem like you are totally ok with H not loving you... I mentally congratulate myself on making it through that with a smile on my face and a generally peaceful outlook.

Then you come home and bond with D15 by watching BroadwayHD. I let her decide because we both love shows, but she even more so. She chooses the Phantom of the Opera because she's never seen it and her dad and I have talked about it for years. I didn't realize how much seeing it would destroy me. How I would begin to sob and feel such pain. She understood. She held my hand and didn't ask for anything. Just leaning against me. We didn't turn it off. Just watched through to intermission. We will finish it. Maybe tomorrow.

But I had to get out so I made an excuse to go get soda and a snack my daughter wanted. I just needed to be away from the house, from him who was in his office. He had come out right before I went to the store and asked how the show was. I just said it was sad and that I was going to get stuff at the store. He offered, but I told him that's ok. I want to go.

But when I was driving back, all the pain, betrayal, and anguish hit me again. I sobbed all the way home. I wish us LBS of MLCers would get to grieve and regroup like others. But for us, we aren't able to have the pain. If our MLCers see it, they think we are trying to control them or make them feel bad. Their brain is like that teenager that doesn't want to be told what to do or even to own up to when they've hurt someone.

So here I am holed up in the MBR. Trying to cope with this incredible pain and longing and fear. I thought I had it under control. I thought I was ok today. These cycles are brutal and they suck.

When he came in and asked me how I was, he could tell I was upset, I told him "i'm ok." I didn't look at him or say anything else. I just grabbed my soda and came to the MBR and locked the door. I know I am supposed to show that I am ok that I am upbeat and dealing and "moving on." But sometimes, I am just not able to do that. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.