Affair Fog-LRT 2

[sandi2]

What if this is her reconciliation?

There are two versions of reconciliation with a WW. One is structured and gives the most hope for a successful outcome. Her version is the other one. If you settle for her moving back indefinitely, sleeping in separate bedrooms, and acting as if nothing happened (like her infidelity), then you will buy yourself years of living in a soul crushing state of limbo.

The LBH cannot allow her to come back under her terms. She has a wayward mindset, so he's crazy to let her set the terms of reconciliation. He was the one betrayed! She's the one who has to regain his trust. She must prove herself by doing the hard work, or she won't come out of her wayward mindset. She has to agree to his terms. Now, you won't read this in Divorce Remedy, so don't be confused by what you read here. Just realize when you read the board's advice, you may feel you are getting something a little different in most cases. I wouldn't say it's different, but more like additional advice, and personalized.

So anyway, your W has been involved with OM, right? That means she not only has a wayward mindset, but she's openly rebelled against her M. Therefore, you need to understand that it's going to take work for both of you to heal from the effects of this affair. Your work and her work will not look the same. I encourage couples to seek a professional family therapist who specialize in couples healing after an affair. Don't go to some common MC.

What if she did stop seeing the OM?

Well, what if she did? Like I said previously, it doesn't mean her heart has automatically changed. You were her Plan B all along, in case OM didn't work out. Is being Plan B okay with you? She thinks you would be tickled pink to get her back in the house under any circumstances. An unrepentant wayward wife is not going to offer the authentic measures necessary to save the M. She's going to get back through the door with as little as possible. Based on your posts, I think that's exactly what is happening.

Here's the thing, even if she has ended her affair, you would still need to follow certain terms in order to have a successful reconciliation.......unless you are willing to live in a sexless, loveless relationship for the rest of your life. You don't want that type of arrangement, do you? There was nothing I could determine about her moving home that indicated she was willing to work on the MR. Nothing about the M or the A was discussed, right? Like other unrepentant wayward wives, she told you the terms, and said nothing about working on the M. You don't know if OM is still in the picture, or anything. One thing's for sure.......just moving back doesn't mean reconciliation.

I think some of your confusion may be due to the possible lock down and her coming to stay a few days. Let's separate this by defining it as the lock down stay. It's not really an emergency, b/c she could stay where she's been staying, but just in order to help you distinguish two different events, we will refer to the lock down stay as one event, and the reconciliation as another event.

Was the agreement about her staying for the period of the lock down? Then don't look at this as some hidden sign that she wants to reconcile. It is a temporary stay! It is not a marriage reconciliation. You need to conduct yourself like it is nothing more than a temporary stay through the lock down.

If she really brings all her stuff back, like she's truly moving back? That's when you should speak up and get the low down on where she stands. Don't accept her excuses of not sure how she feels, or anything less than her willingness to cease all forms of contact with OM (and any other man), and will agree to full transparency. If she isn't willing to do the necessary work to save the M, then you shouldn't let her come back.

If she throws something at you and you're not sure how to respond, remember these words: "I'll have to think about it and let you know". I mean, you don't say it to every little thing, but if you seriously don't know which way to go, tell her these words, and then come to the board for advice.

Her friends have a major influence on her and they all are calling her on her cra@p. I don't know until she says it to be but I've near bed "believe nothing that she says and half of what she does."

The rule about believe nothing she says and half of what she does.......is a metaphor. It's to let you know she can't be trusted to tell the truth. She is deceitful, and a trickster. She is a manipulator and has a sense of entitlement. Until she shows true remorse, humility, and asks for your forgiveness and is willing to do whatever it takes to save the MR........you don't believe what you hear or see from her. You don't even believe tears she may squeeze out of her eyes.

Her behaviors lately show me she wants back in. I don't know her motives but are you telling me to not try to find out her intentions?

Separate the two possible periods she might come and stay. If she comes for the lock down period, then don't discuss the relationship with her. If she continues staying well after lock down period has past........then you speak up and about her intentions. I'm trusting that you did not verbally agree for her to stay there indefinitely, since you didn't say so in your post. If I'm wrong, then tell me.

Knowing how guarded and stubborn W is, I feel like this is her way back in.

She can't come back to permanently stay if she has stubborn pride, b/c she won't work on the MR. She can't be guarded, b/c she will need to be open and cooperative about everything. Don't forget who is the cheater and liar here. Don't walk around on eggshells, afraid she'll leave. You've got to find the b@lls to stand up to her and make your terms known.......if she expects to stay there indefinitely. But for right now, try to relax a little bit b/c you can't absorb much information if you are scared out of your pants.

Only now to I require she goes to IC, owns her cr@p, and work on herself.

No.....not IC. She needs to be willing to go with you to a family therapist who works with couples healing after an affair. Yes, she certainly needs to own her own her cr@p.

I will continue to DB but I was only cordial today.

What does that mean?

I really appreciate Sandi, Mumin, and everyone else who has offered me advice. I'm extremely thankful for this site.

As long as you will keep posting, you will get replies from those who want to give you support. We all have different personalities and styles of writing, but we have the same end goal in mind.

I want to remind you not to share with her what we say on the board. We are giving YOU the tools to use.

Don't give up. Things did not get to this place in a day, and they won't heal in a day. Continue to ask any questions you may have, and please don't hesitate to ask for clarification of anything I've stated.