Caught between a rock and a hard place

[sandi2]

Thank you for answering so many questions. It really helped in having a better overview of the situation. It's so sad, and so......unnecessary for this M to experience a D. I applaud you for being painfully honest, and for taking steps to overcome habits and thinking of how your son could face the same issue one day. We have a former poster who was kicking the porn addiction the last we heard. Supposedly, his W's reasons for divorcing him was based on his addiction. I think she eventually went through with it, but he was determined to overcome the addiction for his own sake.

I can see how you would drink at night after she went to bed so early and you were taking up slack in the house chores. IDK why she objected so much, considering she was going to bed so early and leaving house chores........unless her feelings toward the drinking were linked with how she was raised or her religion. Based on your previous post, I assume it wasn't affecting your behavior. Okay, moving on to other things, let's talk about what changed in her after the baby was born.

As you probably know, there are many changes made during a woman's pregnancy and childbirth. Postpartum depression is very common, and I think a lot of women do not discuss it with their doctor. There is a level of guilt with this depression, b/c we are "suppose" to feel joy when a baby comes into our lives. Therefore, some women stay quiet. If her hormones are out of whack, she's not going to feel much joy. Also, depending on her situation and loss of sleep, she can become physically and mentally exhausted. I say all of this, trying to give her the benefit of doubt for how she reacted to most everything you did. You.......meaning, her closest target. I've read that untreated postpartum depression can last as long as five years!

I get her lack of self esteem and how all of this fed into making it worse. Plus, she felt she failed in the nursing department, so things for her were not improving very much. Bottom line, I think she felt unhappy and whenever a woman is unhappy with herself and within her MR.......she is vulnerable, IMHO. She may reach out to her female friends and close family for emotional support. She may not receive positive encouragement, but rather, told she needs to get out of her M, and go find happiness. Unfortunately, that is the quick answer some friends & family give, especially if they have not had positive experiences with marriage.

What really caught my eye was her going to bed by 7:30, even if family was there. I immediately thought she was having an emotional affair, imaginary affair, or Internet affair. Some men laugh at the idea of an imaginary affair, but let me explain. For many unhappy & bored women who are not receiving the romantic attention they crave, or their emotional needs are not being met....... will turn to romance novels. You know, those cheap paperback type, where the hero is always rich, handsome, powerful, sexually dominating, etc. These books are mostly written by female authors, and it appeals to the emotionally starved reader. Well, after reading so many books, she starts comparing her H with these romantic fictional characters, and the H comes up short. Some of this comparison may be unconsciously, as far as identifying what she's doing at the time, but it is the results of seeing her H not measuring up to what she desires in a man. It may sound crazy, but this can have an emotional affect on her, much the same way an EA with a real life person would have. Some women can get struck on a celebrity the same way, until it damages her admiration and desire for her H. It is emotionally unbalanced and unhealthy. Anytime she has another guy (real or fiction) in her head more than her H, it is going to have an affect on her desire for him. The common thread that links these type of affairs is fantasy. So, my question here is.......what did she do when she went to bed at 7:30. Did she read, watch a particular/regular TV series, movies with the same male lead? If not.........then you might be able to scratch an IA off the list.

Did you ever look in on her, shortly after she retired? Was she on her laptop or phone? Even if she was, it doesn't indicate an affair........but IMHO, it indicates she wanted space from her H, at the least. Now, if she returned to work after her maternity leave, and she was so physically exhausted she had to go to bed at 7:30, it seems to me she would fall to sleep fairly fast. Some people need some down time before they can drift off to sleep, and they'll watch TV or read. It doesn't mean their motive is questionable. However, when you put everything together in this situation, it does raise my suspicion. Her self-esteem was in the tank; she could have been getting negative opinions to leave the M; there was no quality time together; she nit-picked until a fight broke out; the sex immediately dropped off; and she wouldn't stay up a little later when company was there. Oh, and another thing..........she had an EA in the past. I don't believe that once a cheater--always a cheater, applies in all cases. However, if the cheater got off fairly light without any consequences or didn't take steps in preventing another EA, then I do think it is easier for them to cheat again.

I wish more men understood how an emotional affair affected a woman. She is an emotional being, and her feelings are linked to everything in her life. It doesn't make her less intelligent or capable of doing a job as well as the man. She's just wired differently. Both genders can be vulnerable when they are unhappy, but they might reach out in different ways. A man might turn to sex, whereas, the woman would be more likely to respond to a male who fed her ego. Both of them are seeking some type of gratification, but maybe in different ways. I wish men would take take the W's EA seriously, b/c of its affect on her heart/mind. I felt that you were not too worried about a possible EA based on fantasy. Fantasy is the key word, especially when a married woman is infatuated with another man. The other man may never know about her feelings, or on the other hand, it could lead to a PA. Based on what I've read, it appears that most H's can brush off an imaginary affair, or even an EA as long as it doesn't get physical......depending on the individual situation, of course. For example, if he knows this OM personally, then he might not take to her having private conversations with him.

Whenever you and your W reconcile, I hope you will stress how important it will be that there will be no secret/private friendships, and no phone/computer conversation with members of the opposite sex that aren't blood relatives. That may sound stupid to modern day thinkers, but I'm telling you that marriages are breaking up across the world due to all this easy and private means of inappropriate interaction. Couples have been led to believe they can have "friends" with members of the opposite sex, and they dare not question it. Why then, is the most common response whenever confronted by the faithful spouse is......."We are just friends", as if it excuses or gives a hall pass to continue this exclusive, inappropriate vocabulary. The cheater thinks they've fooled their spouse, while the cheater has an emotional affair right under the nose of the faithful spouse.

That could lead to the question of what is considered cheating. In too many cases, I think both the LBS and the wayward spouse use "cheating" to define physical sex outside the M. If that's the case, people need to wake up and realize they are being duped into opening doors for all type of inappropriate behavior while claiming they never cheated. We see it happening right here on the board, time after time. This inappropriate behavior can become very addictive. She's getting her ego fed, and the fantasy allows her mind to carry things into far away galaxies at any given time (she doesn't necessarily have to be in direct contact for imagination to work). Add the fact that inappropriate contact with OM is done in secret, creates more adrenaline, which gives it excitement that her MR was definitely lacking. Perhaps you can understand the addictive power of an EA, based on your personal experience with porn. You had no physical interaction with another woman, but you received gratification, and it drew you back time & time again. It's said that men are sexually stimulated through touch and sight, and that makes sense when linked with porn. Women are initially stimulated through verbal or written words of admiration. That's why a man needs to start making love to her mind, before he starts trying to touch her. That's basically what the OM does in her EA, and it draws her back time & time again. However, the addiction of an EA can be broken and her true feelings for her H can return, once the OM is out of her head.

It sounds as if you tried to make things better, to relieve some of the stress on her. You went long period where the porn and/or drinking wasn't the main issue.......and it sounds as if she developed almost a hair-trigger reaction to very small things you would do (leave a towel on the floor, lock the screen door, etc.) So, whatever was going on with her, it was emotionally unhealthy, to the point she was considering divorce. Now, you are here, wanting to know how to save your M. I apologize for this long post. You'll be happy to know that the other board members are not as wordy. Anyway, I will continue when I hear back from you. Hopefully, other members will join in with their thoughts.

In the meantime, study Divorce Remedy, read the links on the "homework" or welcoming post you received. It is a lot, but it is very informative. Again, thanks so much for answering my questions.