MLC newbie

[Believe6]

DnJ, thank you for not taking offense. Before I got married to H, I was married to an alcoholic. We ended up getting divorced and an annulment. That "betrayal" felt similar to this, but because it was an addiction that my ex wouldn't fight, it felt like I had no choice.

This hurts much worse than this. Mostly because I didn't see this coming at all and I wasn't told about any of the issues before being blindsided. But I know we all went through this.

And now it's about finding me. Being me and free, powerful and strong as i can be. I had allowed myself to dwell in anxiety, depression and loss. I think I was going through my own softer version of MLC. My family of origin, we suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt and worry. It is something I am trying to break in my kids. My D15 has it sometimes, but she is seeing her on IC and she is doing much better than I ever was at her age.

I am looking at this terrible situation as a chance for me to break free of these addicting feelings. I often wonder if I became attached to those negative feelings because it made me feel safe somehow. I hid them from my H and I think he thought that I was hiding something more. He thought that I was lying to him and not telling him things and I thought the same of him.

Sad state of affair, but here we are. Funny. I write this but I am not sad. I am feeling peaceful knowing that I am facing so much. Or maybe this new level of pain, worry and anxiety is actually comfortable for me. I hope I'm actually healing and not getting deeper into these negative feelings. I use EFT tapping, meditation, prayer and mantras to keep me grounded and less volatile in my feelings. I just want this to be like floating down a river and not the "tower of terror" that another poster said this could be.

Have a happy Sunday and be safe in the world of the pandemic. Blessings