Sandi, thanks for taking the time to read my story. The questions don't bother me at all. I'm trying to see my situation clearly and will take all thoughts and advice.
Let me answer your questions in order. (Also, if anyone can explain how to quote just segments I would appreciate it.)
1. I tried quitting and just kept relapsing. It wasn't constant. But it was too often. I feel horrible about it.
2. Just videos and pictures, no interaction.
3. I think a lot of people have a double standard about it. I don't think it's okay. I don't want my son to do it. Still, I am realistic about the amount that is consumed. My male counselor says "9 out of 10 men I work with struggle with it and the rest of them are liars." Yes, I understand how it hurts her. I can see it as very similar to emotional affairs. Both involve fantasy and betrayal of the one you love.
4. Our sex life was always really good before baby. We had sex often, communicated our needs well, and seemed to be mutually satisfied. It was never a problem in our relationship. The porn, of course, made it a problem. The drinking became a problem after we relocated across the country for a 1 year internship for her degree. We were in a small town with little opportunities and never really made any friends (individual or as a couple) while we were there. I went from a great job with great benefits and good pay that I loved to having a hard time finding work. Also at this time, I was trying to get into grad school and had some rejections. After she got pregnant, she started going to bed very early (7:30 some nights). I let loneliness and resentment (of the outside world, not her) rationalize my drinking. I did a lot of our cooking, cleaning, and other household things after she went to bed so we could have time together before. I was happy to do those things, but I would just have beer after beer while I did them. After baby came, my wife and I barely saw each other. Even when we had a rare opportunity to spend time together, she would avoid it. I let that fuel my drinking, I am very sorry to say. I felt entitled. Between the (joyous) stress of new parenthood, grad school, moving twice in 2 years, and losing touch with my one constant (my wife), I sought out very bad coping mechanisms.
5. I'm not confused about the stonewalling as a whole. There were long periods of time where the drinking and porn were less of an issue. I worked on my issues (therapy, accountability software monitored by a good friend, etc.). The sex and time spent together continued to be completely absent. Even when we had family over to stay with our little one after bed, she would find an excuse to not go get dinner or start a fight at the last minute. She lashed out at me for things that made no sense: leaving a towel on the bathroom floor by mistake, leaving the screen door locked when I was upstairs resulting in her waiting about 30 seconds to get inside, etc. Things that might be worth mentioning or talking about but she went straight to screaming and even became physically aggressive.
6. I didn't really go out drinking. I just had drinks at home after the little one went down. I think even now she would say I did a lot of work around the house before and especially after he was born. And I have loved being a father and cared for him any time I was home so she could have a break. Breastfeeding was difficult and took a toll on her self-esteem. She valued it very highly and felt like a failure when she worked so hard and got such little results. Kind of a funny example of how much I did: About a month after I moved out, she went on the first grocery run she had been on since before our son's birth. Even she mentioned how weird it was to go back after such a long time.
7. I spent too long fighting her and trying to make the fights stop. When things cooled down, I tried to figure out what I could do to make her feel happier and more supported. The fights kept happening. That was one of the major contributors to my moving out. I didn't want to and still feel it was a bad decision for my marriage. But she was right to say that our fights were out of control and were going to negatively effect our son. It was right to get him away from that chaos. And yes, that did make me want to drink more. To escape and relax.
8. Yes, a very vicious cycle. We were caught in it for far too long. The changes I've made over the last 2 months have helped us pull out of it. She still will unleash rage on me and make crazy statements (even to the level of paranoia), but but I have made it clear I'm not going to be talked down to and I'm not going to fight with her. This has worked. It has kept me from joining in and blowing things to pieces. After she goes off now, she will usually reach out to apologize later in the day.
9. About a month ago, I approached her just with behavioral clues. About 5 years ago, she had a short lived one-sided EA with a coworker. After I found out, she apologized, followed through with my limits on how to move on, and we entered therapy. I saw a lot of those same behaviors coming up and told her I had seen them and that it reminded me of our past experience. She denied, but, interestingly, dropped the matter quickly. She doesn't know that I now have proof. I'm giving it time and continuing to read the resources on here and DR before I make that decision. It appears this one is very fantasy-driven as well, and it's possible she was just dropped by the person based on some of the things I've seen.
I'm continuing to learn how to be a better me and pull myself out of this pursual-withdrawal cycle. The DBing is having some effect of some kind as she has mentioned noticing some changes, hugs me every time I'm around, and has even told me she loves me. Again, not trusting any of it. I love her, but I know we are far from any kind of reconciliation. Just sharing information.
