Caught between a rock and a hard place

[sandi2]

Sorry to see another couple facing a possible divorce. I encourage you to seriously read Divorce Remedy, plus the links listed on the previous post.

Every MR is tried and tested with problems, but it's those things we could have prevented that hurt the worst.

Don't run for your life when you see all these questions. I do this to get a clearer picture. You don't have to answer every one, but maybe you'll expound a bit more.

I don't want to appear as if I am whacking you over the head, but I have to ask. Why didn't you just stop the porn? Not that simple, is it? Were you interacting with a live person on line, or just watching a video? I think it is significant b/c you started your post admitting to the porn and drinking.

A little background, I have struggled with porn throughout our marriage. It hasn't been constant, but it has come and gone often. My wife finds this very hurtful and her self-esteem has been negatively impacted by it.

Just to get your honest opinion, do you think there is a doubled standard when it comes to porn? I mean, do you see it mostly accepted by all men, and not so much with women? Can you understand how the porn messed with her head? My next question is how was your sex life in the bedroom?

Like I said, I'm not here to beat you up. If you don't understand how this affected your W........ then the behavior pattern will continue.......even if it's in another MR.

Leading up to and after the birth of our son, I started having drinks more nights of the week and, at times, having more than I should

So, was the sex satisfying until she got pregnant? I'm trying to see why you felt the need to drink more than you should.....and how that ties into her pregnancy and having a new baby. It's not that unusual for young fathers to feel like their needs have been pushed way down on the W's priority list.

While this was happening, I was being stonewalled by her. No talking. No time together. Example: I remember many times at hour house, saying something to her just to make conversation and she didn't even look up, much less respond. Our fights became worse and worse. I found myself lost and confused about why we were even fighting.

While you continued with the porn and drinking she stonewalled you, and you were confused about why?

So many times, I would be so excited to see her after she got off work (I'm a student/worker with odd hours) and she would come in, look at me like I was a criminal, talk to me like I was garbage, and start a fight about nothing. Then stonewall.

If I didn't know that you continued doing what hurt her, then I would suspect that maybe she was stressed out being a working mom with a baby. Now, I'm just shooting in the dark here, but if you were going out drinking more, and spending time watching porn........how much help at home did she get?

How would you respond when she talked to you like garbage? Did that make you want to go drink more?

I kept asking to go to therapy, and she stated multiple times she wanted to and wouldn't give up on our marriage and family without trying it again (we have been in the past). She found porn on my phone again and demanded I move out. I convinced her to try an in-home separation. It didn't really help. Finally in December, she came into my bedroom after I had fallen asleep and found porn on my phone. That was it. She demanded I move out and stated her and my son would go somewhere if I didn't. In my guilt and hopefulness that we could work things out, I agreed. I look back on that choice as a pivotal mistake I wish I could take back on top of all my other mistakes and harmful behaviors.

Kind of a vicious cycle?

I'm confident there is some form of EA going on. Years ago, I discovered she had developed feelings for OM and seemed to be pursuing him. It was unclear if the feelings were reciprocated or just a fantasy. Her current state of mind and behaviors point to this kind of fantasy happening again. Lots of indirect evidence of EA: hidden social media (only 2 followers are mom and friend lol) with posts about moving on, being authentic to yourself, unrequited love, etc. I've also discovered she has deleted emails from a friend of ours. The ones I have found contain nothing damning save for they are 2 married people talking to each other more than their spouses. Whatever the status of the EA or PA, it's clear there is a lot of fantasy involved.

Did you ever approach her about any of this?

I believe my wife is deep underneath this current version, and I wish I could help her get out. She has had abandonment issues since we met, so DBing feels especially difficult to mange. Hard to feel okay with detaching when I'm worried it could confirm fears I was going to leave her all along.

DB detachment seems to be the hardest to understand, and even harder trying to explain it to a newcomer. She is the one leading with divorce talk. She knows the truth. I'm not so sure everything is as one-sided as it might have appeared in the beginning. But then, it never is.

I will wait to hear your response, before I say anymore.