MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal: I saw Gordie do alot of Journal enteries... so here goes. It's been interesting sheltering in place. We took a walk as a family with our dog and saw lots of others doing the same. The OW lives less than a mile from us, but luckily we never see her. I don't know what my H would do or feel if he/we saw her out and about. He hasn't seen her in over 4 months. I used to see her driving her kids to school. It would trigger lots of feelings in me. Luckily, haven't seen her in a while and learning to have indifference.

I am working on detaching. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, he actually initiated sex. We haven't had it and we both are still very attracted to each other. He may not "want" me... but somehow he still finds me sexually attractive. He hasn't touched me unless to console me for the loss of a friend. About 3 weeks ago, I lost a good friend from high school and 2 weeks before that we lost our Godfather (from our wedding). But I knew my Godfather since I was a very little girl. Both losses have been hard.

He's been a good friend. Hold me and consoling me during the funerals, but other than those days/times not additional touching. His 3 main Love Languages is Physical Touch, Quality Time and Acts of service (although he says this is wrong and it should be Words of Affirmation). Mine are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Quality Time.

I haven't been able to fill his love tank because he doesn't want to touch him. He hasn't given me ANY words of affirmation in more weeks than I can count. Probably 6 maybe...

The strange thing is I think he is already trying to "reconnect." The reason anything even happened last night was that we had spent a nice evening with the kids. We had dinner and played monopoly with the kids. We also watched "Messiah" on Netflix since that's one of the things he complained about before dday. That I would watch shows he wanted to watch without him. We don't talk during those shows. We sit across the room from each other, but we do at least watch together like roommates.

But last night I was heading to bed and I said, thank you for the nice evening with the kids and watching the show. I am glad we have had peaceful times. He stood up out of the blue and said come here. He held me for a long time. He was shaking and I could tell his eyes were sweating (that's what one of my guy friends call it when men cry because they typically never do... and my husband rarely does, but has done more in the past 4 months than in the 24 years we've been together).

Anyway, during him holding me he apologized for how much we are going through. We both said we were sorry for the hurt we are experiencing. I said I am giving him the time and space he needs as he has asked. I am trying to be patient as he asked. He said he didn't believe it, but he said it in a teasing tone. I told him, wait and see. I am doing what he asked and he said he was thankful.

I told him goodnight and headed to our room. Soon he followed, which is rare. I was already in bed when he came out after he took a shower (we both shower at night). That's when he turned to me. He never does. We sleep in our far corners and for the first time in a month, he kissed me like he did when we were first dating. He asked me if this was ok. I told him and I do mean it, that I will never regret being with him. Never. And I mean it.

I know some may say this is not Dbing. So be it. I need it too for my own peace of mind and heart. I do not think and I knew when it happened that this means we are anywhere near R. I know we are not. It just helped me to get some release so it was selfish on my part. He has been trying not to touch me at all and the other times before were me fully initiating, as he used to say I didn't initiate that much and that our sex had become predictable.

In fact, he knew when I wanted it and he could time it-- which was a turnoff. So I was trying to be more spontaneous. But when we had the big blow out on Valentine's he'd been trying to avoid any kind of touch, especially sex. So this was a big move for him... especially after avoiding touching me for so long.

Today though, I am proud because I have't tried to hold his hand or touch him. Even though on our long walk we would usually do that in the past (before 2/14/20 anyway). I have made sure to stay in the MBR and he is in his office since then. So I am giving him the space he needs.

I will say this past week, I have noticed him really looking me in the eyes. Smiling at me. Trying to connect with me. I have given him short answers, but been pleasant, positive and nice. Just as I would any acquaintance or casual friend. I don't know if this means he is starting or trying to reconnect.

My mantra now is patience patience patience. Kindness kindess kindness. Detach detach detach. I am praying and leaving it up to God.

We have a group party planned via Zoom this evening with our extended family and friends. This has deprived all of us of social interaction. We still do things with our family friends because many don't know and it would be wierd if we don't go together. That has actually allowed us a relief as we can talk to others and be ourselves. I don't worry about him in those situations and he, I think is surprised to see how well I am doing there too.

Sometimes I wonder if he is in MLC, but as Hearts Blessing says, each MLCer goes through their own journey. We can't compare. And the way my spouse has been is very very different than his normal behavior. Especially with the moodiness, complete withdrawal and him saying sometimes he wishes he could just be a hermit. He is still trying with the kids and now that he is reaching out to me, even just to look me in the eye?

I am not sure where this is all headed. I am just living one day and sometimes one minute at a time. Thank you for reading!