Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

DnJ, you are right that my rational thinking ability is near nil at this moment. Please bear with me.

Of course.

When I don't sleep enough, I know everything looks worse than it is.

Been there. Not a fun time.

I do empathize with your efforts to find understanding in all this. Yes, it is difficult to remember and accept that H slowly and silently slipped into confusion. To us our spouse’s change was very sudden; it looks like they just flipped a switch.

I still want to understand how he could stop being friends with me, why it's better to spend hours playing games on the phone with a bunch of drinking buddies than talk to me.

Because the MLCer is reliving their time from that long ago trauma. The time they were emotional stunted. H is an emotionally immature teenage kid in a full grown man’s body. It is more fun to spend time with buddies than a wife.

Buddies not friends. There is a big difference in how he is seeing and using those people.

Also, do not take it personally - him not wanting a wife. This is about him, not you. He is a teenager. Remember when you were 12 or 15 or so. We didn’t want to be married then. We didn’t even think about it. Teens are growing up, doing teenager stuff. The last thing on their mind is getting married and having a family. The times H is present, realizes his behaviour, and where and when he is - imagine the confusion of realizing you are married when you are 15. They really need to run from their torment.

You can also add to all that a lack of empathy. MLCers empathy chips are broken. They cannot empathize about anyone else. Their feelings are out of control and they cannot handle anyone else’s. No pressure or they will bolt. At times they do feel, and the shame, guilt, grief eats at them. And yet they are too emotionally traumatized to see the way out. It takes time, and a lot of it.

I am having a very hard time finding any of the compassion I've worked on building for him.

Perhaps a different view would help.

I am having a very hard time finding any of the compassion I've worked on building for about him.

Your compassion is for you. It is about him.

The compassion you’ve found is for you. It heals you. It helps you grow. In that view, compassion, and yes eventually forgiveness, is not dependent upon H’s behaviour or remorse. You feel and believe these because you want to live that way.

I struggle with this particular fear--of not being able to afford housing or food--because it may not be something I need to devote my time to worrying about at this moment, since there is nothing I can do about the pandemic, but it is a fear that is not irrational. I don't actually believe H would split things up suddenly or leave me with nothing. None of his behavior has indicated that. But it's the fact that I am not self-sufficient right now that I am not happy with. (The internal part.) I don't like the thought of relying on H or H feeling like I am relying on him financially. But it is just the truth of the situation right now that I am. Many people are struggling financially right now. It just is.

It’s ok.

Please remember I’m not arguing. Rationalizing against one’s own emotions is difficult. We actually fight against it.

...but it is a fear that is not irrational.

All fear is irrational.

That’s not bad, or weak, or anything else we perceive as negative. Irrational is just - not rational, not based upon reason or logic. It is based upon feeling, emotions, and beliefs.

There are many good and great things that are irrational. Love, joy, happiness, desire, admiration, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, faith, and so on.

Fear is irrational, it paralyses us. Short circuits our reasoning. Narrows our focus and blinds us to other possibilities.

Follow you fear, find the root, and stop feeding it. Let it to wither.

It is difficult - letting go of fear. Without it, all that stuff becomes concerns. Things to deal with, when and if they come up.

If my boundary is that H respects a certain quiet time in the house, does this include phone calls? Or is it on me to just stop letting the phone calls bother me?

Are the phone calls bothering you because of the noise volume, the hours they occur, the frequency, the duration?

If H is speaking reasonably quietly, in his room, let him be. Ignore him.

If his talking is too loud and you cannot sleep than you need to discuss it and see if he is agreeable to an amicable resolution. Perhaps he can text late at night instead.

Something else to consider is some MLCers can be rather flighty. Phone calls may wind down as something else takes their place.

Music, TV, and such, H can use ear pods and entertain himself to the cows come home.

If he refuses to use ear phones, you are right you can only control your self.

You want a boundary and enforcement without saying a word. When H is playing his music, not using his ear phones, late at night - go straight into his room. Sit down on a chair beside him. Look at everything he is doing. Start poking into stuff. He will probably freak out a bit and ask what the ___ are you are doing? Tell him you can’t sleep with him up making noise all night so you might as well sit in here and watch him. Pretty sure he’ll use his ear phones.

You can’t force him. You can make him uncomfortable, to have consequences to his actions, and he will want to change his behaviour.

I mentioned dog training so I’ll pass on something from four nights ago. My two dogs live in an outside pen. It is very large 80 by 120 feet. Has a huge tree in the middle. It is surrounded on two sides by bushes and trees. As such there are animals that scurry about at night.

For a while the dogs, one particularly, have been barking at night, at the noises in the trees. And probably the moon. I’ve banged on the window, opened the door and yelled at them, it works for like 5 minutes. Then back to barking.

They need something more immediate and consequential for a behaviour change. Something like a remote shock collar would work, but I don’t have one, and I don’t want to use one. Punishing isn’t needed. Correction is.

Anyhow, four nights ago barking started up at 3:00 am. Now, I get it, they’re dogs, they bark. I can live with a few minutes of barking and then they can go back to sleep, and so can I. However, no they barked and barked. Well the one dog more than the other.

So, I got up, left the lights off so not to interrupt the dogs, donned my bathrobe, went downstairs, slide on my boots, and went around the house to the pen. Me walking up to the pen in the dark lead to a cacophony of barking until they realize it was me.

I opened the pen and had the more vocal of the two come out and then closed the pen. I walked back to the house, the dog running about and scampering up onto the deck ahead of me, to the usual place they sit waiting for petting when they get out. I walked right passed her and went into the house, closing the door behind me.

I went to bed. Not with all that garb on. lol.

Half an hour later I got up. Redressed and went outside. Dog was at the door. Went around to the pen and let the dog back into her home. Haven’t had that barking since.

The dogs live in their pen. They don’t want to be outside of it, unless it is for walks and playtime and such. To be left just outside the fence was uncomfortable to her and consequential.

I too had to realize a fear in all this. I did fear what if the dog ran away. What if she got run over. What if.. what if... My plan was only for 30 minutes, and I know my dogs. Fear abated. Training accomplished. This boundary will be repeated if and when necessary.

Have a great day.

Could always get a shock collar for H....just kidding.

DnJ