Affair Fog-LRT 2

[sandi2]

Sandi, I agree with everything you said. We did discuss her moving in if there is a lockdown and agreed there would be boundaries (not sleeping in same room, not pretending things were back to normal, taking shifts taking care of my daughter as we are both working from home, etc). Honestly, I don't know what else to do.

Well, I gather this happened before you had time to really understand what you would need to do. That's okay, we will try to help as you go. One thing you need to keep in the back of your mind is that you can't discuss your DB plan of action with your W right now. By plan of action, I mean the action that you will take to change the relationship dynamics. No matter what was said when she announced she would stay there during lockdown, she is not rooting for the MR. Therefore, you will have to see her in a detached view, the same way you view a neighbor or co-worker. When you interact with her, you treat her with the same somewhat polite/friendly, but unemotional, detached mannerism and verbal interaction that you show when conducting a purchase transaction with a check-out clerk. Know what I mean? The minute your emotions get pull in, is the minute the situation has control over you and the relationship. Don't misunderstand and think I am saying you will never be able to express emotions again, but I'm talking about now, while you're dealing with a WW. You will need to continue practicing this emotional detachment as long as she is conducting herself like a WW. Having a child means there will be a certain amount of verbal interaction concerning her, and that is fine.

So, boundaries are designed to protect yourself. Imagine drawing a circle around yourself, and nothing gets inside that circle without consequences. Boundaries are based on your values, integrity, self respect, religion, morals, etc. You cannot control the other person, just yourself. If the other person does not respect your boundaries, you should react/respond with some type of action that shows you will not tolerate their treatment. Don't get crazy, just be thinking about your self respect and things you won't tolerate from your W, or anyone else for that matter. I don't suggest having a conversation with her about your personal boundaries right now while you are digesting so much information. IMHO, the things you and your W set up, sound more like house rules for the time she stays there. That's fine, nothing wrong with house rules, if they are followed.

Another point to always remember when setting a boundary, is to be prepared to backup your word. For example, if you say you will not stay in an open MR........then be prepared for her to call your bluff. Don't ever set a boundary, thinking it will control her actions. In fact, she always has a choice to honor your boundaries or disrespect them. If she disrespects them, then the next move is up to you. Boundaries are not ultimatums. Look at the link on boundaries, and I think you'll see what I'm trying to say.

We have been living apart for two months and my IC said working on a marriage while separated is very hard. Getting her in the house will allow us to begin to work. Yes, I need to know she is done with the A, but do I make that a requirement if we lock down and can't go anywhere? Trying to work while taking care of my daughter will be impossible. It could go on for weeks.

I mean no disrespect to your IC, but this is not necessarily true when it is a wayward W case. The basis of waywardness is resentment, disrespect and rebellion. She has there in her heart/mind, along with other unattractive traits like selfishness and a sense of entitlement, etc. She lies, denies, betrays, manipulates, etc., etc. The WW usually has a hidden agenda when she leaves her H. If you know there is OM, then it may not be very hidden, but most WW's try to make their reasons sound "justified". It is not a piece of cake living under the same roof with a woman who doesn't respect you as a man..........but that is where you have to start your work. Before you can show great strides in being a H, you have to get her respect for you as a man. Do you follow what I'm saying? A wife cannot feel true desire for a H she doesn't respect, b/c that's how she is wired.

What I'm about to say doesn't mean there is a set pattern in what type of man she marries, however, it is somewhat staggering the amount of "nice-guys" that show up here as the LBH of a WW. IMHO, there is a reason, and it's all linked to her level of disrespect and how much he has allowed her to treat him like cr@p. She had a wayward mindset before the affair. Therefore, it's not all about the affair/OM. This affair may stop, but and she may move to the next one. It's true that her affair must end before there is a chance to save the M, but ending an affair doesn't guarantee success. Make sense? And, I rather doubt it will be a huge success, unless you decide to make changes. I don't mean that you start doing the housework, etc. It has nothing to do with the chores, and everything to do with how you command (not demand) respect.

Yes, I need to know she is done with the A, but do I make that a requirement if we lock down and can't go anywhere? Trying to work while taking care of my daughter will be impossible. It could go on for weeks.

Well, unfortunately it appears that an agreement has already been made for her to stay during lockdown. Once we get clearance that it's safe to go out again, then you might decide to make some changes in your approach. For now, my advice is to be good to your child and yourself, first. Don't fret over your WW, her feelings, what she's thinking or her decisions. She has already told you enough to know she's not there to work on the MR, so don't show any sign that you might even be interested. I'm telling you.........the H has to pull back from showing interest in her. Most nice guy LBH's are so concerned he will lose her if he doesn't kiss her rear,.......but the opposite is true. That's why I said not to fret over every little thing during lockdown.

It is possible we don't lockdown, in which case she won't move in. I'm not going to pretend like it's back to normal if she moves in but I'm not sure what else I can do???

Maybe I'm not understanding you, but you sound as if you don't have choices. Are you saying you don't know any other way to behave around her other than act as if everything has returned to normal? Man, I hope that's not what you mean. Perhaps you mean you don't know how to turn things in the direction they need to go. If so, don't worry about it right now. First, you have to learn before you can steer anything in the right direction. That's what you're doing now, hopefully. You can't turn it around in one day, no matter how great you are, b/c once she ends her affair, she'll have massive work ahead of her.

I can't GAL bc everything is closed, I can't go to the gym...closed, I can't see friends...social distancing. So what else can I do? Keep her away from her D for weeks?

Seriously? Take advantage of the down time you have to read. I would think you have enough DB stuff to read to keep you plenty busy for several nights, maybe weeks. Have you read the links about WW's? It may not be the most "fun" stuff, but it will keep you busy reading. You don't have to socialize in order to GAL. It's anything you enjoy doing (and don't say hang out with your WW). Why do you have to go to a gym? Are there no kind of exercise you can do that doesn't require equipment? Crank up the music and get after it. Play with your little girl.

Lock down is not exactly "roughing it". This is a problem, mainly, b/c you aren't thinking in the right frame of mind yet.

I have no idea what you mean by asking if you should keep your WW away from your D.

I need more self respect but other than going to IC (which is now canceled), GAL'ing with friends (also stopped), I don't know how to improve that sitting at home with a 3 year old.

What does needing more self respect have to do with staying home with a three year old? I know you feel lost and overwhelmed, but don't give up. I want to see you change into the man you can be. That needs to come first. Work on the man, and the other will start to work itself out.