PLC, I wish my H would turn in early! Ha. I'm exhausted this morning and couldn't go back to sleep once I woke up. I'm wishing you peace and love for yourself on this day. Anniversaries are hard. Do you have any activities planned for you or your daughter? I'm hoping to get outside and do some gardening.
DnJ, you are right that my rational thinking ability is near nil at this moment. Please bear with me. When I don't sleep enough, I know everything looks worse than it is, too. I am trying to recognize that and want to lead off by saying I also recognize I'm operating on the assumption that things will only get worse with H home all the time, but I've only made it through one day of this. It seems likely there will be many more days ahead. At least three weeks, according to our order, but I'm sure more. There could be better days ahead. H could settle into a better routine.
And I assume it will get easier to become indifferent to his phonecalls to others, even though right now they make me feel helpless, angry, sad, pessimistic, so many overwhelming feelings that I'm having trouble sitting with and uncoupling. I think the center of my anger and how it relates to the calls is that I can't understand, no matter how much I read or try to rationalize, how he could suddenly drop me as a friend and be okay with it at BD. I know I've said that before. I see it's still bothering me. Rationally: it was not sudden, he went through a process I was not aware of, but from my perspective it is a flipped switch, and I'm not able to fully understand it and so make peace with it. He doesn't love me, he wants a D, those things are bad enough, but okay. But also he's a different person who acts like we are acquaintances most of the time, not people with a whole history?
I'm back to projecting into the future. What worries me is how angry this still makes me. How much I still want to understand how he could stop being friends with me, why it's better to spend hours playing games on the phone with a bunch of drinking buddies than talk to me. I am having a very hard time finding any of the compassion I've worked on building for him.
I try: it's easier for him to talk to them because there is no long history there. They only know him as he is now. But he was also talking to a friend I knew at the end of the night, I think, so I don't know how to rationalize that. Too hard to talk to me because it brings up old feelings/memories? Gotta keep a distance on that part of his life?
I think I just want a hint that he's actually affected by what's going on with us or what's going on in the world right now, that he's struggling with something. That would help me summon compassion again.
As for the financial security part, rent will be paid next month, there is money in our account today and I can buy groceries. I know other people don't even have that security right now. But it is in my best interest for our account not to be split, even moreso now that I don't have income I can rely on. Worst case, even with support payments, I could not pay rent anywhere or buy groceries right now. That is the reality. So protecting myself involves hoping all of that stays status quo. Before it was just until I could get a better job, and I could make it work in the meantime if I had to. Now I could not make it work in the meantime.
Originally Posted by DnJ
. The fear of all this works against you for any boundaries. Please do not remain powerless. And that is more internal, than having a separate account. Fear robs us of our strength and power. You, my dear girl, are worthy, and strong. Take control of what you can control - you.
Strengthen, power, hope - no one get to takes those from you! They can’t! We just lose them for a while.
As to boundaries. They are for you. They are not to modify H. Nor to punish H. They are for your sanity - emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. Boundaries are clear definitions of behaviour you don’t accept. The enforcement is what you will do when confronted with this behaviour. It is not what he has to do.
I struggle with this particular fear--of not being able to afford housing or food--because it may not be something I need to devote my time to worrying about at this moment, since there is nothing I can do about the pandemic, but it is a fear that is not irrational. I don't actually believe H would split things up suddenly or leave me with nothing. None of his behavior has indicated that. But it's the fact that I am not self-sufficient right now that I am not happy with. (The internal part.) I don't like the thought of relying on H or H feeling like I am relying on him financially. But it is just the truth of the situation right now that I am. Many people are struggling financially right now. It just is.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You cannot make H do anything. You can’t make anyone do anything. You only control you. They have to want to change their behaviour.
H will test your boundaries, your resolve. Teenagers do that. And it is aggravating. We usually end up just nagging, which of course has less then stellar results. Dog training technics are better - reward good behaviour and ignore the negative. People, and dogs, want/need acknowledgement, want/need feedback, want/need attention - even if it is for poor behaviour.
Don’t let H push your buttons. You can have a boundary with out saying a word.
If my boundary is that H respects a certain quiet time in the house, does this include phone calls? Or is it on me to just stop letting the phone calls bother me? It's not like he's talking to an AP--then maybe I'd be entitled to ask him to make the calls outside.
If H does start playing music loudly too late, I could say I would appreciate him wearing headphones and respecting certain quiet hours.
If he doesn't, that's where I'm stuck. I can only control me. What could I do at that point? Again, maybe I shouldn't borrow trouble and worry before that happens. But I want to be prepared and understand respectful, calm ways to respond.
I can have a boundary without saying a word. I don't share my emotional states with H. I have that boundary without having to state it. Are there other examples of boundaries I can have right now that I don't have to state?
