I've been lurking for a while and I'm finally posting.
I'll try to be as specific as possible while maintaining anonymous.
Wife and I are both early 30s with a 1+ year old son. Have had ups and downs in our relationship, but always stuck together...until last December.
A little background, I have struggled with porn throughout our marriage. It hasn't been constant, but it has come and gone often. My wife finds this very hurtful and her self-esteem has been negatively impacted by it. Leading up to and after the birth of our son, I started having drinks more nights of the week and, at times, having more than I should. I rationalized my behavior bc I never drove drunk or had any arrests. She expressed concerns and I cut back some but also hid drinking from her. The discovery of those 2 have really hurt her.
While this was happening, I was being stonewalled by her. No talking. No time together. Example: I remember many times at hour house, saying something to her just to make conversation and she didn't even look up, much less respond. Our fights became worse and worse. I found myself lost and confused about why we were even fighting. So many times, I would be so excited to see her after she got off work (I'm a student/worker with odd hours) and she would come in, look at me like I was a criminal, talk to me like I was garbage, and start a fight about nothing. Then stonewall.
I kept asking to go to therapy, and she stated multiple times she wanted to and wouldn't give up on our marriage and family without trying it again (we have been in the past). She found porn on my phone again and demanded I move out. I convinced her to try an in-home separation. It didn't really help. Finally in December, she came into my bedroom after I had fallen asleep and found porn on my phone. That was it. She demanded I move out and stated her and my son would go somewhere if I didn't. In my guilt and hopefulness that we could work things out, I agreed. I look back on that choice as a pivotal mistake I wish I could take back on top of all my other mistakes and harmful behaviors.
We finally got into therapy once the separation started. In the 1st session, she stated she didn't see the point of this because she just wants a divorce. That was within the 1st month of physical separation. We went 2 more times, with repeated results before she refused to stop going. She says she is done with this marriage and unwilling to work things out. Gets very angry at the suggestion that we try anything.
Currently, we divide our time with our son as equally as possible. I have been staying on a couch, but I'm about to have my own place so I can keep him 2-4 nights per week. Due to a pretty scary incident at our previous home, we moved out of the house in February. The situation was legitimate, however unfortunate. We were renting, and the situation was severe enough that our landlords let us out of the lease immediately. She's currently living in an apartment in town. No pictures of me or the 3 of us up anywhere. Nothing that would signify she was ever even married. She stopped wearing her rings at least 2 months ago.
She is not fully truthful with friends and relatives about the situation, i.e. She wants a divorce and I don't. Her 2 biggest confidantes right now are a new female friend she has known less than a year and her narcissistic mother. Ironically, we have talked about and processed all the abuse her mother has shown her for the entirety of our relationship. Now, she turns to mom who has emotionally and psychologically abused her from day one. She is caught up in ideas of a new life and being "happily unmarried." She says she doesn't think she is right for marriage and she thinks I'm better at it. That she hopes I'll find a new wife and have more kids. And of course, ILYBINILWY.
As stated before, she hasn't told a lot of people about the situation. And she has told almost no one that she is actively pursuing divorce and wants to start proceedings in April. She still makes comments about "if we can work things out" while later saying "this is done and you need to accept it."
I'm confident there is some form of EA going on. Years ago, I discovered she had developed feelings for OM and seemed to be pursuing him. It was unclear if the feelings were reciprocated or just a fantasy. Her current state of mind and behaviors point to this kind of fantasy happening again. Lots of indirect evidence of EA: hidden social media (only 2 followers are mom and friend lol) with posts about moving on, being authentic to yourself, unrequited love, etc. I've also discovered she has deleted emails from a friend of ours. The ones I have found contain nothing damning save for they are 2 married people talking to each other more than their spouses. Whatever the status of the EA or PA, it's clear there is a lot of fantasy involved.
I did all the wrong things the 1st month or 2 and finally discovered this board and have been building DB skills since. I've stopped reaching out to her and stopped requesting time together. I am calm and happy around her, but not needy. Between work and school, I have plenty of opportunities to GAL. And I'm enjoying as much time with our son as possible. Will be in a stable apartment by the end of next week so I can give her that freedom she craves. I am hoping that will help further detach and giver her space to breathe as she is still somehow "suffocating" even though we live separately and don't spend time together.
Trying to believe nothing she says and only half what she does. One moment of clarity she had came after she met me at a restaurant with our son so I could take him to dinner. I told her it was probably best if she didn't join us. When I took him back for bedtime, she talked about not liking the feeling of driving away from us and actually hugged and kissed me. I believe my wife is deep underneath this current version, and I wish I could help her get out. She has had abandonment issues since we met, so DBing feels especially difficult to mange. Hard to feel okay with detaching when I'm worried it could confirm fears I was going to leave her all along.
Anyways, thanks to everyone that posts here. It has been immensely helpful as I fight to preserve my family.
