Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Fear that there is no hope for us in the open-ended future—I’ve lost my ability to hope.

Don’t let anyone take away your hope. And don’t worry your hope, like beliefs, does change into something self-affirming and reinforcing; a slightly different version, yet the same intent.

Don’t let anyone, even you and your fear, take away your hope.

Hope does alter as I said. Becomes a belief, a way of life. Seeing the all possibilities and choosing to live towards the good ones while being prepared for the less desirable ones.

You have not lost the ability to hope, it just feels like it for right now. And the focus of your hope and desires is changing a little. All really good things. Detached and indifferent with a good helping of compassion.

I'm exhausted. Do I take a cue from the way H was after BD and just start wearing my own headphones all the time? I don't feel like interacting with him. I want to pretend he is not here. I want to focus on myself. I'd gotten to the point before where I only thought about our R now and then during the day. Now that he's 100% here, it's at the top of my mind, which starts the cycle of: He doesn't seem to care about me at all, I just happen to be here --> He really doesn't love me --> Then why is he still here? Why hasn't he filed? How long will this go on? How will I get through this? Day by day, minute by minute. But I worry I will blow up at him at some point--either cry or scream, because I'm so on edge, so frustrated with the way he's acting.

Yes. Living with a MLCer can be exhausting. Put your focus back onto yourself, your life, your desires (and not desires about R, M or someone else). Let him be. Let him live on his own in your house. It’s like a teenage kid. Let them be alone in their room, on their phone, headphones cranked up, doing whatever it is they do. You might see them at meal time once in a while, or not. Then one day they grew up and speak to you again. It’s weird and normal; and MLCers are just big, rebellious, teenagers - like times 10.

I should also say I want to be careful here, because right now I'm also motivated by a desire to give H the cold shoulder, to turn away, to shut down.

There is a difference between cold shoulder and indifference. Cold shoulder has lots of feeling attached to it. Bitter feelings. Choose better not bitter. Seek indifference with compassion. It’s not shutting down, far from it. It’s living fully for you.

I am not comfortable with trying to set roommate type agreements right now because I'm not able to work while this shelter in place stuff is all going on, so I'm no longer bringing in much money at all. I feel like H has all the power here. Our finances are not split, so this means I couldn't pay rent or buy groceries without him. I feel pretty vulnerable in that respect.

This is driven by your fear. H being around all the time right now has triggered your fear. That feeling of vulnerability.

The loss of control; a pretty common fear. And one I have had many conversations about this week with people regarding the current state of the world. Seeing things happen beyond our control triggers something. People react. Primal responses, hidden emotions, driven by fears of death, pain, etc. Rationalizing uncouples the emotion from the possible future, and ceases the reactions. One find emotional understanding which is acceptance.

I am afraid that he'll leave me alone somehow--split our finances if he doesn't move out, and I have no money. I wouldn't be able to pay rent here or anywhere without income right now. I don't think my job will return for weeks, maybe months. I am afraid he thinks of me as someone he's just supporting now, how annoying. He's waiting for me to get fed up and yell at him so I'm the bad guy. I'm also afraid that he'll just ignore my boundary. I don't know how likely this is. But I couldn't enforce it.

All kinds of possibilities have stirred up. Where did you put the more positive ones? Where did you put your hope?

Let’s rationalize some of this together, if that’s ok.

Fear is irrational and real. It is valid. It needs to be acknowledged.

You fear H will leave you alone somehow, and split the finances, leave you without money, and yet not move out. You fear he sees you as someone he is just financially supporting, and becoming more annoyed. Then you can’t pay rent, food, and so on.

When is the rent due? End of the month? Whatever the date - it is not tomorrow. The rent will get paid and you have a month. This is not as dire as you feel it is. I’m not arguing your feelings, for they are true. We are rationalizing thoughts to influence your feelings. Hard to do, people tend to get defensive, even to themselves, when their feelings are being altered. Our automatic response is to reject this effort and rebel against it.

You’ve seen a lawyer (I think you did). You know your rights. You know best case, worst case, and most likely case of a separation / divorce. You will not be left penniless.

Some of the first advice is to let the MLCer do the heavy lifting. Let them push for a divorce or separating assets. Unless you need financial protection and security. Are you needing financial security? I can see you feel that way. How close do you think are to needed it.

Now, rationally, you need security. Half of everything is your’s. You can open an account, in your name only, and transfer half of all joint accounts over to you. That will help alleviate the concern of him doing something to split up assets. It is good advice and hard to put into practice. It kind of feels like giving up. Think business-like. What do you think you should do? Not feel like you should do?

Your job is weeks, maybe months away. True. A valid and wise view. For you sanity and protection you might want to seek some security. Again you’ve spoken to L. You have information. It’s your choice when you want to use it.

Don’t wait out of fear. Don’t act out of fear. Rationally think about this.

I do remember where you are right now. (((cardinal))) I was so lost, frustrated, scared - I couldn’t hardly think straight. So, my personally view knowing only what I know from reading here, get financial protection and security for yourself.

We don’t want to make decisions based solely on feelings. And we don’t want to dismiss our feelings, for they are valid and sometimes precursors to which our thoughts haven’t yet seen.

The fear of all this works against you for any boundaries. Please do not remain powerless. And that is more internal, than having a separate account. Fear robs us of our strength and power. You, my dear girl, are worthy, and strong. Take control of what you can control - you.

Strengthen, power, hope - no one get to takes those from you! They can’t! We just lose them for a while.

As to boundaries. They are for you. They are not to modify H. Nor to punish H. They are for your sanity - emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. Boundaries are clear definitions of behaviour you don’t accept. The enforcement is what you will do when confronted with this behaviour. It is not what he has to do.

You cannot make H do anything. You can’t make anyone do anything. You only control you. They have to want to change their behaviour.

H will test your boundaries, your resolve. Teenagers do that. And it is aggravating. We usually end up just nagging, which of course has less then stellar results. Dog training technics are better - reward good behaviour and ignore the negative. People, and dogs, want/need acknowledgement, want/need feedback, want/need attention - even if it is for poor behaviour.

Don’t let H push your buttons. You can have a boundary with out saying a word.

Focus on you.

Get security - in whatever form that takes.

You are a strong and worthy person. Don’t lose sight of her.

Don’t let anyone take away your hope.

DnJ