Thank you, DnJ, Believe6, and PLC for the support. Believe, I will stop by your thread soon. I haven't had as much time to be here this week, and, honestly, these last few days I've felt like I'm hanging by a thread. Instead of posting when I can reflect and as a way to reflect, I'm posting because I'm losing it and need somewhere to vent. I feel guilty because I haven't been catching up on other threads either.
DnJ, I know I need to set this boundary with H, and I know I'd rather avoid it. It's like suddenly I'm living with a roommate who I never would have thought compatible in an interview. I wouldn't have to confront a roommate about this, because I never would have agreed to live with them in the first place--it's like I've been assigned someone problematic in college again. This is total alien H. It's so disorienting, and the pandemic news is disorienting enough. I am riding huge waves of anger, fear, hurt, sadness and find my center for only brief slices of time. I've been able to disconnect from H but now that he's here all the time, I'm forced to witness the work version of H and the version of H he is with his friends. I miss the days when all of that took place outside the house!
He joked with me today while he worked from home. He was friendly. After work, he immediately started another group call with his friends. Over an hour. Playing trivia games together. I went for a walk even though I had a headache, just to get away. I came back, and he was still on the call. Then he left to get beer. Then back and another group call with games has started up. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this my life now? H just in his room on the phone all evening? I put headphones on but can still hear him. I crave quiet. Alone time.
It seems that since he can't go out with these people any longer after work, he has this instead. He's not able to be alone with himself for a night. With his thoughts. They're not talking much about how their lives have been turned upside down by the pandemic or about the world; they're playing games. Drinking buddies.
I thought H had matured a little since BD, but now I see that I was probably wrong. He may have regained some control of his drinking, but he's still in this bubble with these people who he considers real friends. They appreciate him. He is happy. Nothing is wrong. They help distract him. It's just I get to see how they interact now, which I'd rather not.
I am trying to figure out how to comfort and protect myself in this new situation. Today was the first full day of it, and it feels like it's been weeks. It's hard for me to imagine more than a week of this. I'm exhausted. Do I take a cue from the way H was after BD and just start wearing my own headphones all the time? I don't feel like interacting with him. I want to pretend he is not here. I want to focus on myself. I'd gotten to the point before where I only thought about our R now and then during the day. Now that he's 100% here, it's at the top of my mind, which starts the cycle of: He doesn't seem to care about me at all, I just happen to be here --> He really doesn't love me --> Then why is he still here? Why hasn't he filed? How long will this go on? How will I get through this? Day by day, minute by minute. But I worry I will blow up at him at some point--either cry or scream, because I'm so on edge, so frustrated with the way he's acting.
VENT VENT VENT. Thank you. No one else is awake at this time for me to text, even though it's not that late here yet.
