Can you wise people help keep me sane during these unprecedented times? I was muddling along okay... maintaining some distance from H and trying to stay off his roller coaster. Throwing myself into some community projects, swim class and other GAL activities. Making it through whole days (not generally consecutive but hey...) without crying. And now like most of us, day to day to life is isolation. For good reason, of course. The kiddos are home. Schools are closed. But we are all stuck here. Can we craft an emergency world crisis GAL plan? Because I am a wreck. I have fired off more emails than I want to admit. Spewing, angry, hurt emails. I have not spared him much. I want to shake him and say "wake up. wake up. wake up." I do not know how anyone with a moral compass or conscience does what he has done. Yesterday he emailed and said "I know you don't do well with a lot of isolation. I am happy to come keep you guys company." F8c& NO. I don't want his crumbs. I told him the last time we talked that I don't want to be friends except in the context of being married. That if he doesn't want to be married to me, he should file for D. That unless and until he wants to work on our marriage, there is no reason for us to spend time together. I meant that but it is HARD to navigate at the silence and loneliness. Hard to be the only parent. To be honest I feel like I am at a breaking point emotionally. I know it will pass. It is harder at night.
I started seeing a new IC before the world shut down. She said (apologetically in a way) that he is a narcissist. A covert narcissist. I don't know if that is true. I don't know what knowing that or labeling him as that helps. The only person I can control is ME. The only person I can change is ME. Pathologizing him doesn't get me off the hook for changing and growing and healing. It is just a word.
I hope you all are safe and healthy in these crazy times.
