Wooba, I hear you on the loneliness and longing feeling magnified. It s*cks so much. Thanks for listening to me vent.
I’m in a place where I don’t trust myself to control my anger around H, so I’m trying to keep my distance. He came home tonight after gathering up everything he needed to work from home starting tomorrow (ugh) and told me a bit about the craziness at work. Then he went to his room and called who I think was the same person as last night. I was occupied with something and it didn’t bother me as much. The convo was all fluff, no substance. Felt more like a friend (but not even true friend) convo to me, but who knows. I get the feeling that’s all these new friends are—not share your deepest feelings kind of friends. I went on a walk, felt better. He was gone gone for a while and we had a few friendly exchanges when he got back.
But just now he started playing a record and said, Oh, I was going to tell you you might want to get some earplugs. If I’m trapped in here at night now I worry about making too much noise. I’ll be up all night.
Like, what, I said, screaming in the middle of the night?
You know, listening to music, being on the phone, he said, and you go to sleep at like 9:30.
Well, I have earplugs somewhere, I said, but maybe if you’re listening to music at 10:30 you can put headphones on?
The house is so small, he said.
So: I feel myself being walked over—At first I thought he was being considerate but alsoby the end he seemed to be saying, guess you’ll have to adapt to my schedule, even as his tone seemed nice. I didn’t continue the convo because I felt myself getting really angry.
How do I create an agreement like I would with a roommate? If you need to make calls or play music after 10, I’d appreciate if you’d use headphones? I guess the calls are something I would just have to get used to. Surely I can make enough noise in my room to drown those out and sleep. Or, like, right now, if I want to go to sleep and he’s listening to music too loud? I don’t think I should be the one who has to wear earplugs, but I also don’t want to be unreasonable.
I also recognize he has no way of coping if he can’t go out at night to concerts or bars with his friends. It seems clear, right, that he is going to struggle with this and has no idea how to be alone with his thoughts at night? He’s always been a night owl, but of course after BD spent many months out until the wee hours of the morning like a teenager. That had gotten somewhat less crazy. I guess I’m trying to find compassion here in my anger. He’s probably just as freaked out and uncomfortable with the thought that he can’t go out, and it’s not because I’m so terrible to share a house with. It’s because he’s dealing with a lot of stuff that I highly doubt he’s talking about with anyone, maybe his IC (though I still doubt that he really examines the hard stuff with her either), and I’m not sure if he’s able to see her at this point. And on the surface of course not even this pandemic is affecting him in any way. He’s not worried about loved ones—nope! There must be a lot he has to drown out.
