It is at first scary to tell our stories. We are so full of self doubt and blame; we almost can’t even risk seeking others views. So, congratulations on your first of many victories and steps along your path.
First off, his mid life crisis is not your fault. In fact his slipping into his fog has nothing to do with you. A triggering event from a year or two ago awoken deep and painful long ago trauma(s) buried within him. The stroke and death of his father is very likely something that could have triggered his emotional crisis.
An MLCer suffered some trauma when they were young, by a person in a position of authority, and were emotional stunted. You seen it in H’s difficultly in expressing his feeling throughout his life. Although the upbringing of men does tend to reinforce that kind of limited emotional behaviour as well.
As job wisely said - you didn’t break him, therefore you can’t fix him. H is on his path and you aren’t invited. He needs space and time to sort out his feelings, and he will absolutely take the space and time his needs.
MLCers are in crisis. They operate on emotions, and their emotions are cranked to 11. You cannot reason with a MLCer, they will react and behave irrationally and erratically; doing whatever feels right at that moment. And what they do is try to outrun their pain and torment. This is not some over exuberant description, the MLCer blows their life apart attempting to destroy the terrible feelings.
The LBS, the once loved spouse, is the target of the MLCer’s projection and misguided justifications. A MLCer cannot handle being wrong; they cannot handle their new troubling emotions and long forgotten terror. They will blame you, the sky, the dog, whatever; it doesn’t have to make sense, and most times won’t make sense. But, it does to them. They keep lying and running.
A MLCer cannot face this reality. They are driven, and need to run. Strange, bizarre, and new behaviours overtake them. They become the opposite of who they once were. Sex, drug, alcohol, spending, etc. can become ways for them to run. These crisis people have poor coping skills and are emotional very young.
They are taken back to that time of their trauma, that emotional stunting, and need to grow up from there. It is almost like time travel. They live trapped in the past. A time when they didn’t know you, were not married, and didn’t have children. From that emotional place many become terrible parents and behave like spoiled teenagers.
Originally Posted by Believe6
How do you navigate detachment and GAL when still living together?
Detachment is very much needed. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Focus on you and your kids.
Treat H like a roommate. Be friendly and kind, and be a roommate.
Stop snooping. I understand the draw to that tracker app. Delete it. You cannot control H. Knowing his whereabouts does you no good. You cannot detach if you keep hanging on.
I empathize with what you are going through. It is hard to let go. However, everything you learn about H’s behaviour is more you will have to deal with. The idea is to focus on you and let H do what he is driven to do. Remember he is going to do it anyhow, he is driven to. And those running behaviours can get pretty bad. The less that gets rubbed in your face, the less you see, the less you go looking for - the quicker you will heal and the better chance you have of outlasting this MLC.
A lot of advice will feel like the wrong thing to do. It is counterintuitive, at the moment. We all arrive here with no prior knowledge or experience with this stuff, and lost as to what to do. Our instinctive responses are oftentimes incorrect; this situation is counterintuitive.
The advice here is first and foremost for you and your healing. Focus on you. Give H time and space. Detach. Etc. The advice also gives you the best chance at a possible future reconciliation.
This is a marathon not a sprint.
You have the gift of time, use it well.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
