Affair Fog-LRT 2

[kto626]

Here is the link to my old thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888554&page=1

[kto626]

I'm still trying to pull away but she keeps texting/calling to get me hooked again. I want to GAL, which I was, now everything is shut down around me due to the Corona. You are not allowed to be around more than 10ppl and almost everyone I know is social distancing...so no one wants to do anything. There are only so many times you can go for a walk or read a book. It's making all of this so hard.

I have to find away to get over her. But she keeps reaching out and I get weak and answer her. I need to find a way to be stronger. Also, I began reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Still thinking it is me but there are things I did stand up to her about so not so sure. Anyways, nothing else to do with my time.

[kto626]

One more question...although I've started No More Mr. Nice Guy, I also want to get DB or DR.

Which is better to start with in my situation? Learning to DB after an affair?

[Mumin]

My understanding is get DR. Anyone else?
Make it a rule to NEVER EVER answer within an hour, preferably longer. (unless real emergency) use that time to calm down and think about your SHORT answer.
If that is hard, Use airplane mode on your phone.
I do it all the time. Especially if I have just answered her. That way I avoid discussions.

GAL, find a workout routine now that gyms are closed, fix something on house, do an activity with kids, find a trail to walk.

[kto626]

Excellent advice on waiting an hour. I'll try the airplane mode as well. I've pulled back a lot but she ropes me back in. I have no idea if she's seeing the OM but I'm done asking her.

I just bought DR. I'll be fine with Mo More Mr Nice Guy by the time it arrives.

I'm going golfing tomorrow (one of the only things still open). Unfortunately, that means my daughter goes to daycare, which is still open. I feel guilty to send her through all of this but I need a break. I've had her all day, everyday for the last week due to Corona. Even on my W's days I take her cuz she is a nurse and will continue to work. I'm a teacher and we are shut down for 3 weeks. I need a break...

[Mumin]

Sounds good! What about heading out in the woods with your daughter?

To be clear on the hour wait. You dont have to wait an hour for every single text message, rather when she tries to contact you. If she has a follow-up question its fine to answer directly. Just make sure to be short and if you get emotional DO NOT answer immediately.
Also dont wait exactly the same amount of time, she will notice.

[AnotherStander]

My understanding is get DR. Anyone else?

Correct. I've read both and they are largely the same. Michele at some point said DR is basically a slight rewriting of DB. She felt DB was a little misleading as people read it and got the impression that DB'ing is a "quick fix" so they were getting frustrated when things didn't turn around quickly. So DR gives more realistic expectations of how long this takes.

Make it a rule to NEVER EVER answer within an hour, preferably longer. (unless real emergency) use that time to calm down and think about your SHORT answer.
If that is hard, Use airplane mode on your phone.
I do it all the time. Especially if I have just answered her. That way I avoid discussions.

Great advice. I didn't use airplane mode but I did turn notifications off on W's texts after BD. Did the same with my GF when we had fights so I wouldn't be tempted to respond hastily (in anger). I would turn it on and off all the time with GF, LOL!

[kto626]

After continuing to detach and not chase or contact my W, I had to go help her out and pick up my D since my W was working from home (normally I wouldn't jump at her request but with the Corona restrictions we agreed to help each other). When I got there, I had to go in her room to change my daughter and saw she had wedding photos hanging on her cork board. These were not there a few moths ago. Granted, they were photos of my W in her wedding dress with her mom and family. But why would she hang those if she was done with me? She had no idea I was going in there so it isn't like it was set up ahead of time. I just find it hopeful that she has them up at all.

Also, we talked briefly about her working from our shared home since we both will be asked to work from home. My daughter doesn't have daycare anymore so her willing to do that says something too. Doesn't it?

Any advice?

[Traveler]

Hi Kto626,

Glad you found something to smile about. It's a long road, and often a day of UPs if followed by a day of DOWNs. Smile and savor what was good today, but don't expect the same tomorrow. Expecting one uphill to lead to another and another often leads to disappointment and a crash and burn.

PS - CWarrior, heed this advice, too.

[Mumin]

I would say wedding photos are a good sign. My W took down every photo in the house that reminds her about our past and untagged herself on all social media (including all our wedding photos).
But like CW said, Dont take it as a sign that you should approach her. Keep DB apporach!