MLCers tend to bounce back and forth through the anger, replay, depression and withdrawal. The depression that we speak of here is a very deep, dark depression that will eventually come around and that's when they withdraw from just about everything. Right now, he's very new to the crisis, i.e., only 4 months since the BD. The stages are not linear, i.e., just like the stages of grief.
I would definitely consider ceasing the MC and go with IC for yourself. MLCers tend to have selective memories and yes, they hear only what they want to hear and some go a few times and then call it quits. Until he's ready to give up the OW and put his focus back on the marriage/relationship w/you, there isn't any sense in going to MC.
I want you to take some time and think about what may have happened to him 18-24 months prior to the crisis. Generally, something happens to trigger the "rethinking of life in the past. For example, death of a parent or parents, friend, co-worker, promotion, demotion or loss of a job, major illness for himself or someone close to him, birth of a child or empty nest coming about, etc. Something always triggers them to start thinking about the "what ifs or what did I miss growing up".
We are all fixers and we want to fix things and them, but this is one time that you cannot fix him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do that all on his own. This is a time of self discovery for you as well. Treat him as a roommate, go about your business and start making a list of the things that you have put off doing and start doing them.
A poster named HaWho had a live in h. He lived in his little funky dorm room in the basement for quite some time and then finally moved out. She has two sons and they all saw him go down into the rabbit hole.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, so dig deeper for patience, no relationship talks w/him. If he comes to you and wants to talk, listen and validate. Try not to argue w/him because he will be attempting to do so in order to validate why he feels the way that the does.
For now...keep the focus on you as much as possible and come here to post often.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
