MLC newbie

[Believe6]

It's been over four months since BD. Found out about PA with good friend of ours. AP is also married, but aren't close with her spouse. H says he felt I had fallen out of love with him. And he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore.

He was/is going through depression/guilt about dad passing and having hard feelings towards his dad. H says I wasn't someone he could talk to because of some things I said in the past about things between him and his dad. We've always said we were "best friends" and that I could tell him what I thought. I tried to apologize for my thoughtless comments, but I guess he didn't forgive me or trust me after that.

His AP also lost parent soon after we lost his dad and they started bonding via text over that. What ensued was approximately 5 months of sexting, meetups for oral, etc. When I found out in Nov, it was apparently already over for a couple of weeks as they both felt guilty, but they were trying to stay "friends." That "friendship" stopped after I found out. NC has been in place. I know because for the first 3 months I checked everything, have tracker on his phone, etc. But that was driving me crazy so I stopped checking and obsessively trying to find out what he's doing.

I will say, it took almost a month of snooping to find out all the lies. This after he swore he told me the "truth" about everything. Found out about pictures, sexting, etc. He lied about the number of times they got together, etc.The finding out just how much he lied was so very hard. Especially after promising he told me everything.

I know he's been going through a lot for a while. He has been unhappy with the job for a long time and some goals he never reached. Realized he was getting older and not as healthy. Hasn't been able to other sports activities as much because of a lingering injury. Feeling libido waning for the past couple of years. Financial worries as I've been out of work for a while without pay. There's more, but I know we need to try to keep some details out just in case others may figure out who this is.

A few years ago (2 or 3 now, I think) he mentioned he thinks, that maybe most of our friends, are going through some form of midlife crisis. I tried to offer him ideas and advice about getting a new job, going back to school, or finding something else to help him with his dissatisfaction. Even up to a month ago, I was trying to be supportive and helpful about his life (job, activities, etc). But it seems that only made him frustrated with me. He reminded me there was a time I just wanted him to "listen" and not try to fix and now I am the one trying to "fix" things so I have stopped.

Right after dday, he seemed truly remorseful and fully "in" to try and repair our marriage. He still said he didn't know what he wanted if he wanted to stay married to me, but he was really trying. We did MC and Retrovaille couples retreat. We were working on things. But about a month ago, I thought we were in a good place so I asked if he was ready to commit to the marriage. Wrong thing to do! He has pulled back completely. He won't touch me, kiss me, or anything. We are still living at home. He is still in our MB, but no touching at all. We talk about mundane things (covid, the kids, the news) but I have done everything I can to detach and let him do his own thing.

During our last MC, he mentioned once again that I was trying to analyze him. Our MC told me to stay in my own lane and to let him go through what he is going through. He'll have to do it at his own pace as he is an "avoidant" personality. She was trying to get him to admit he has hidden anger. He says he doesn't, but he has gotten angry with me in the past couple of months so I know there is that and some resentment there. I also shared in MC that he has been rewriting history and making me the bad guy in this. I guess that's normal and I can't do anything to make him see me or our life differently at this point.

The tragedy is, our core friends/family (we have a number of us who regularly hang out... I mean almost every weekend), thought of us as the perfect couple. Always touching, kissing, hugging and saying we love you. Always doing things for each other and going out of our way not to argue. Some of our couples friends know. I shared it and that's another bone of contention between us because he now feels ashamed and humiliated (as do I really), but I thought if our friends knew, they could offer us support and encouragement. They want to, but as I said H is avoidant so he won't reach out, even if I do. So I am limiting who I reach out to so if he does want to talk to them he won't feel I 'poisoned' them against him.

I hadn't gotten DR yet nor found this site so I know I should have already stopped MC. Actually, just found this site a few days ago and have been obsessively reading threads and after reading MLC stages, realized that's what he's suffering. So now, here I am scared to tell my story, but needing some advice.

How do you navigate detachment and GAL when still living together?

For the first time yesterday, he looked me in the eyes when he was talking, smiled at me when having dinner with the kids as a family, and I felt him softening. I know not to believe anything he says and only half of what he does. So I know I am in this for a very long haul. It seems like he's already in Depression/Withdrawal. But hey, he could be cycling in replay, etc.

I know this can take a long long time. I just want to get back to me and being there for our teenage kids who still need two solid, loving parents. I am doing a lot of soul searching. Writing a list of what I want to do for me. Things maybe I stopped doing.

I am also doing everything I can to get a job. Unfortunately, it's been tough in my field and at my level. I am even willing to take a lot less pay to just get out there and rebuild my own feelings of self-worth. I am terrified of how long trying to get a job has been taking. And now with the virus, it's even tougher.

Any advice for GAL while being stuck at home? I have really been reaching out to old friends and old colleagues. Prior to the shutdown, I was going on hikes with friends, going to lunch, getting coffee.... I read a ton, listen to music and am trying to work on my PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual) areas.

I am learning to let go and let God. Have been terrible at that, but getting better. Thank you for your inspiration. There are posts from over a decade ago that resonate with me and have helped my stomach to unknot a little and for me to realize that the one trait I don't have but will earn through this process is patience.

Thank you in advance for your advice and support!