I’m continuing down the path toward detachment. It is a slow journey with a lot of hurdles and back slipping, but it continues. I remember reading on another thread one poster commenting that he feels a lot of LBWs wear their lack of detachment like a badge of honor. I wanted to clarify that, at least for me personally, that could not be further from the truth. For me, announcing that I am not fully detached is being honest and admitting to my failures and struggles. It’s very important to me to share honestly and transparently here, otherwise what’s the point. In no way am I proud of the fact that I’m still emotionally attached to a man who has dragged me and our child through he11. Haha.
There have continued to be ups and downs and all kinds of...who even knows. The roller coaster continues. I have gotten SO much better at not letting his roller coaster drag me along. I have finally found a certain degree of equilibrium in terms of my manner towards him when we are together. I found that once I reached the point where I truly no longer want him to know my feelings or where I am emotionally, it became much easier. My feelings feel private now and I keep them close when it comes to H. That took time. And now that I’ve been in this place for an extended amount of time, now of course he’s trying to find out more.
This is where I’m looking for some advice. The last few times he’s been here to pick up/drop off D4, I’ve steered clear of him, been out as much as I can, and I’ve been pretty reserved. Not down or sad, just neutral and less talkative than I typically tend to be. He has been asking me if I’m ok a lot, and I always just smile and say “yup!” I do this whether I’m “ok” or not, and unfortunately I have no poker face. My whole life, no matter how hard I try to hide it, my feelings seem to be etched on my face. It’s inconvenient at best.
Anyway, I have been under extreme levels of stress lately for a variety of reasons, and I was already fragile yesterday. H texted to ask if D4 could spend the night at his place (yes this was the first time. Aside from the weekend he took her out of time she has always come home to sleep) I didn’t WANT to say yes, but I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do, so I said yes. I have a lot of emotions around this, so when he came to get her I was just barely holding it together. He asked me if I was ok repeatedly, and I just kept saying yes. And he just kept asking, until finally I had to say “I’m fine, please just let it be”. Then he was all apologetic. Unfortunately by the time they went to leave I could no longer hold it in and I broke down crying. He came over and gave me a hug which was strange feeling.
Later in the evening he texted me a bit about D4 and then asked AGAIN if I was alright. Honestly at that point it just felt annoying and invasive. If you ask someone repeatedly if they are ok and they say yes, EVEN IF they clearly aren’t, that means they don’t want to talk to you about it. Duh. So I decided to be a bit more authentic while still sticking to my guns, and replied that I was having a hard time but that I’m dealing with it myself. He pressed for more, trying to guess the things that might be bothering me, but I wasn’t biting. D4 called to say goodnight, and he later texted to make some MORE GUESSES about what might be bothering me (seriously...) to which I didn’t respond. Then he texted that D4 had been “wanting to come home but now she’s asleep” and asking if he could bring her home earlier than planned in the morning if she was still feeling that way.
He brought her home this morning, and they brought me flowers they had picked from his yard. Before he left H said “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. If you want to talk to me about it you can. I mean I know it’s...” and kind of trailed off. I just said thanks and he said he’d call later.
So. I do not feel that opening up to him is the right thing to do. Not for me and not for my situation. When he inevitably asks me again if I want to talk, I want to have my response planned. I feel like this may be an important moment for him to know that because of his choice to pursue divorce, he can’t be that person for me, and I can’t share with him in that way. I don’t think that saying that outright is the thing to do, though I could be wrong? I’m just not sure what the best way to express that is. Any suggestions or advice??
