Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

I like the tiny good things and not really caring about where H is since he's bouncing all around. Desire to have the desire... I think that follows along the "feelings follow action" which works... but he's got to do the actual work and to want it at some level.

Good on you for holding strong, too, about the travel. The last thing you want is to get the family separated and someone get sick, or them to get stuck if domestic travel restrictions go into place. I'm so, so glad we didn't end up going on our vacation as we probably would have had to turn around and get on an airplane right back.

I hope you can keep working on detaching and healing yourself, no matter what is going on with him. Whatever you can do to find that calm space again you found on the beach. (((HUGS)))

Feeings follow action.....this is so true. And that's the key. He has to do the actual work. Usually he has 5 million excuses. So I am skeptical at best. However, I do notice little things like I mentioned. I just think...okay We will see.

I always feel some level of guilt when I disagree with him because I am the bad guy who runs all his plans. So my old me wanting to prove: LOOK HOW GREAT I AM wants to rise her head. But instead I am learning to honor what I need.

And I try hard to remember those "beach moments." To reconnect and validate myself and detach. It's a process!
OG it’s so hard to ignore the breadcrumbs, but like me, you seem to be in a place where you recognise that they are insignificant, I’m sorry to say. Everything you say really resonates. My H refused to go to MC last year (we’d tried about 2 years ago and it was a disaster -back then it was him who took us). I didn’t push the agenda last year as I’d lost faith in the process. But I tried other marriage programs and he said he would join me in them but never did. I tried to explain that in mature relationships actions drive feeling etc but his efforts were always half hearted. I feel your pain of limbo, the frustration of their inaction (which is an action in itself). Remember he is undecided, else he would have left, he’s still trying to figure it out. You are being really strong, it may be difficult to get out an GAL at this time but you can still GAL at home, like you are doing, help him to believe that you can function without him, and are capable of making your own choices. You will get through this, you are stronger than you realise.

Do you think MC is working right now? Did he want to go in the first place? How would you feel if you said that you didn’t feel that MC was beneficial right now because you need some time to figure out what your goals and vision are? How would he react if his W suddenly indicated uncertainty?
Sending big hugs your way (via satellite seeing as all flights banned! ) smile.

I don't think MC is hurting....I don't know if it's helping. When it comes to disagreements, what is a bump in the road to others is brutal for us. I think it's because it's like Gottman says.... You need 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative. But my H doesn't love me and doesn't have a desire to be married to me. So that's a hard curveball. It's not like the normal situation where one says, "Hey I'm sorry for that thing I said, I love you and I know you have a good heart." It's like you need love to balance out the hurt.

MoGirl -- thanks for your supporting thoughts. I hate we are all here, but I am incredibly grateful we have each other.