I’ve been trying to regain my balance and doing okay. It feels like I’m entering a whole new world since H will be home more now because of the shelter in place order here, which starts tomorrow. The last two days he was home after work and quiet, no records. No eating. I was thinking it must be difficult for him to suddenly have his distractions taken away. He’s (more) alone with himself now. I’ve been enjoying my time at home and trying to do a little remote work for my boss when she has something for me. A little money.
H has been in his room all night, which is maybe 10 feet away on the other side of the wall. He listened to records tonight, including some heavy metal that was not calming (maybe it was to him!). Now he’s talking to someone on the phone, laughing like he used to laugh with me. It’s not the (girl) friend. One of his other friends. I feel so, so low. It’s incredibly difficult hearing him laugh and be silly when he’s been super quiet with me. I miss our way with each other so much right now. I miss him so much. I don’t know how I will get used to this if I have to hear him on the phone.
I was getting ready to head to sleep and I’m crying and just sitting here, trying to accept the reality of the world outside the house (worrying about my parents and grandparents) and of the reality in this house. I guess I could put headphones on? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house. I am angry. I am sad. I am not feeling accepting. Why can’t we talk like we used to? Is he going to be here 24/7 now, but start ignoring me? Like I’m the one who’s making him stay home? If he has to work from home, and I don’t have space to fully relax during the day, it’s going to be a huge adjustment.
My coach on Monday said, “Who knows what effects a global pandemic might have on marriage rescue? This is new territory.” Of course this virus has me feeling extra love for everyone in my life. But even in the face of so much potential illness and death, all I’m feeling is indifference from H. I’m just someone who happens to have bought toilet paper before it all ran out—how convenient. Hearing him on the phone makes me feel like he’s rubbing that indifference in my face. I think—if I got sick, would he even notice or care?
I know I’m spinning, but it’s a shock, because I haven’t seen or heard him interact with anyone else since BD. It was all in another place, away from the house.
I am trying to remember what my friend said: It’s about him. And he may just need space to adjust to how weird life is for all of us right now.
