One of my biggest weaknesses is being able to say "no". I never thought it was an issue because if I genuinely don't want to do something I have no problem saying no. HOWEVER, I have come to realize it's much deeper than that. It's saying "no" because even if you want to do something with every fiber of your being it wouldn't be healthy for you to do it. I don't know if it's that I'm fearful of backlash, fear of being shamed, or just too conflict-avoidant.
Example: Eating an entire cheesecake because you just love cheesecake that much and can't say no! Fast forward 3 hours and your stomach feels like it's going to burst, you can't poop for a week, and now you can't even look at a cheesecake without wanting to hurl.
Do any of you wonderful people struggle with this? What are some good suggestions for learning to say no?
I've heard there are some good books available for how to say no. I won't recommend them here due to forum rules, but they are easy to find.
I completely get where you are coming from, not knowing sometimes if you are conflict-avoidant or motivated by guilt. Up until the last year, I would be wracked by guilt saying "no" to almost any request unless it was completely unreasonable.
Three things have helped me:
1. Recognizing guilt and shame are almost always useless emotions. (You are judging your character, and not your actions -- nobody is fundamentally "bad"). If I feel I guilty, it signals to me that something is wrong in my thinking. Strangely, I used to accept guilt but shove anger aside... Now I realize anger can be healthy and GOOD and can signal that I truly should question what is going on. (as long as it is not hot-headed).
2. Getting in touch with my values, and recognizing it is entirely valid for me to say "no" to something, without a need to defend/justify/rationalize my decision to anybody. This is a work in progress.
3. Pausing before making a decision. Sometimes my W reaches out to ask for something, and my instinct is to be the nice guy because it's NBD to me and say "yes", like a knee-jerk reaction. Then if I pause and think, sometimes I reach a different conclusion. Maybe it's for lack of practice, but it seems to take me an abnormally long time (compared to most people) to make decisions. But I don't apologize for taking that time.
I have to laugh at your cheesecake analogy ... perhaps you have been too "dense" to learn from prior experience?!
