Envisioning has helped me a lot! Example: Just a month ago I couldn't even imagine living ANYWHERE else but our house. "I'm going to buy your share". After a friend said look whats on the market and I found something that I can afford and that suits me and my daughters I have started envisioning what it would be like. It would actually be awesome!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Hmmm.. I'm definitely going to think of some near future things that I want and envision with everyone here. Thanks for the example Mumin - it gave me a clear picture of what that would look like. And, for the record, you and your daughters would have a blast in your own house. Playing hide and seek, relaxing, and watching movies together on your own couch in your own space, etc. It would be a home filled with love.
WW has been reaching out quite a bit and while I still respond, I am working on detaching and moving on. She says all of the right things, makes promises that this will all just be a bump in the road, and promises that we will be back together. I believe that she feels those things in her heart, and I do hope she's right, but it has to be backed up by action. She needs to work on herself and work through her own issues and I need to move on and work on my own. If we come together in the future, and she has truly done the work, amazing. If not, I'm going to continue my amazing life and surround myself with so much that I love. I'm not waiting on her to start that journey for myself.
One of my biggest weaknesses is being able to say "no". I never thought it was an issue because if I genuinely don't want to do something I have no problem saying no. HOWEVER, I have come to realize it's much deeper than that. It's saying "no" because even if you want to do something with every fiber of your being it wouldn't be healthy for you to do it. I don't know if it's that I'm fearful of backlash, fear of being shamed, or just too conflict-avoidant.
Example: Eating an entire cheesecake because you just love cheesecake that much and can't say no! Fast forward 3 hours and your stomach feels like it's going to burst, you can't poop for a week, and now you can't even look at a cheesecake without wanting to hurl.
Do any of you wonderful people struggle with this? What are some good suggestions for learning to say no?
I have a birthday coming in the next week and I am almost positive I will be asked to join for birthday plans by ww. I am trying to brainstorm responses in saying no so that I can stand firm in my resolve to heal and not slip back into the proverbial trap of "back together" as I have in the past. I still want my MR, but not at the cost of my emotional well being and self respect.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
One of my biggest weaknesses is being able to say "no". I never thought it was an issue because if I genuinely don't want to do something I have no problem saying no. HOWEVER, I have come to realize it's much deeper than that. It's saying "no" because even if you want to do something with every fiber of your being it wouldn't be healthy for you to do it. I don't know if it's that I'm fearful of backlash, fear of being shamed, or just too conflict-avoidant.
Example: Eating an entire cheesecake because you just love cheesecake that much and can't say no! Fast forward 3 hours and your stomach feels like it's going to burst, you can't poop for a week, and now you can't even look at a cheesecake without wanting to hurl.
Do any of you wonderful people struggle with this? What are some good suggestions for learning to say no?
I've heard there are some good books available for how to say no. I won't recommend them here due to forum rules, but they are easy to find.
I completely get where you are coming from, not knowing sometimes if you are conflict-avoidant or motivated by guilt. Up until the last year, I would be wracked by guilt saying "no" to almost any request unless it was completely unreasonable.
Three things have helped me:
1. Recognizing guilt and shame are almost always useless emotions. (You are judging your character, and not your actions -- nobody is fundamentally "bad"). If I feel I guilty, it signals to me that something is wrong in my thinking. Strangely, I used to accept guilt but shove anger aside... Now I realize anger can be healthy and GOOD and can signal that I truly should question what is going on. (as long as it is not hot-headed).
2. Getting in touch with my values, and recognizing it is entirely valid for me to say "no" to something, without a need to defend/justify/rationalize my decision to anybody. This is a work in progress.
3. Pausing before making a decision. Sometimes my W reaches out to ask for something, and my instinct is to be the nice guy because it's NBD to me and say "yes", like a knee-jerk reaction. Then if I pause and think, sometimes I reach a different conclusion. Maybe it's for lack of practice, but it seems to take me an abnormally long time (compared to most people) to make decisions. But I don't apologize for taking that time.
I have to laugh at your cheesecake analogy ... perhaps you have been too "dense" to learn from prior experience?!
One more thing... you don't need to provide a reason for saying "no".
As soon as you start doing that, you give the other person power to chip away at your reasoning, your feelings, etc. You are under no obligation to provide a reason for saying "no".
One more thing... you don't need to provide a reason for saying "no".
As soon as you start doing that, you give the other person power to chip away at your reasoning, your feelings, etc. You are under no obligation to provide a reason for saying "no".
Exactly this.
You need to learn and fundamentally know in your bones and to your core that you do not owe anyone anything in this life. We give and love because we want to, but not because it is owed. You do not owe WW any explanation as to why you might decline an invite.
You might feel because of your history something is owed. Look at the scales and how she has treated you. Do you still think you owe her an explanation for her own comfort?
It is easier to say "no" when you stop looking for a reason to back it up. Keep it simple and it becomes really simple. "No, I don't think I'd care to. Thank you for the invite". And then repeat with no variation - do not add excuses or reasons. Just "no" because you have a right to say "no".
Kristin, honestly, I think you're going to find yourself saying "yes". Please don't do that. It's a process and we really all want you to be well.
Third unchien and yail's wisdom about not needing to explain yourself. I know that can be super uncomfortable. But try it.
I also know that it can be REALLY hard to move to no explanation cold turkey. Easier on the phone or on text than in person because you can make faces or whatever-- sometimes it helps to let that discomfort really show and makes it easier to live with. Also, if it is too hard to go straight to No thank you and just repeating no, maybe as a temporary crutch to help you get there, you could come up with something you can say around it, like "I've thought about it a lot, and I want you to know I really appreciate you asking (or whatever-- give some love back their way) but my answer is no." and when she presses, "I'm really sorry, but I need to do this for myself" "It isn't healthy for me right now" or something along those lines.
I have read that it can be very difficult to face temptation multiple times, each time wears away at you. That dieters who say no to a dessert once are more likely to say yes the second time because they used up all their willpower the first time. I'm sure it must be so difficult to keep saying no to your W when she says what you want to hear, but maybe there are other ways you can help yourself to maintain that willpower. Write out reasons why. Make a commitment to a third party that you have to report to. Recognize how hard it is and give yourself a little reward when you do say no.
Hope you are doing well in all this craziness. xx
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hey Kristin - just dropping in to see how it's going. Hope all is well in these crazy times.
Originally Posted by KristinG
She says all of the right things, makes promises that this will all just be a bump in the road, and promises that we will be back together. I believe that she feels those things in her heart, and I do hope she's right, but it has to be backed up by action. She needs to work on herself and work through her own issues and I need to move on and work on my own.
I would caution you about what you've written here. If you go back a few pages in your thread here, and then a few more pages in your other threads, you will see that you've written the same thing a few times.
From the outside it looks like you both are stuck in a pursuit-distancer dynamic. The pattern seems to be repeating itself. Have you read the resources here on pursuit and distance? They might help you in this instance.
I think the only way to get out of this dynamic is to break the pattern. It is a lot easier said than done, and unfortunately I cannot offer advice on how to do that in your situation because it is particular to only you and WW. I had to do it in my sit as well and it took me 6 excruciating months to figure out how - then another 6 months of intense pain to apply it to my sit.
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I have a birthday coming in the next week
Happy birthday! Hope you have a great day
Take care of yourself Kristin. Don't forget to do things for you - focus on you and what you need
Happy Birthday, Kristin. I hope you used the "N" word ("No"), but either way I hope you are celebrating it in a way that makes you feel happy and are otherwise doing well.
