Sandi, thanks for your honesty and straight talk. Your post wasn't what I was expecting at all, but I'm here for help and the truth, not to bury my head in the sand.

I have never considered my W to be anything but a WAW so your post came as a surprise to me. There's nothing in the previous responses to my thread that made me think she is actually a WW.

I have taken her words on face value, that I spent so much time at work she felt neglected, to the point where she is so unhappy that she only sees two options, misery or seperation. In some ways I'd love the cause to be something like menopause or perimenopause or MLC that she may snap out of suddenly, but none of those are the right explanation, and take responsibility away from me. We had a month, years ago, where she told me she didn't love me, but then afterwards told me she did love me, and which she would never explain. Then a few years later there was a two month period where she told me she didn't love me, but then decided it was misplaced dislike towards her stepmother. For all the years after, she told me every day that she loved me, until the day she said she wanted a divorce.

I've read 'The Divorce Remedy' but skipped most of the 'Common Dilemma' chapters as they didn't seem relevant to our situation. Likewise, I read the 'Sandi's rules' post but ignored the extra links to all the 'Newcomer LBH with a WW' threads because I didn't they were applicable either.

Of course I feel the disrespect, but I thought that was something I was meant to detach from. The rules talk about being cheerful, giving the W space, not arguing, not telling her how I feel about matters, not showing the hurt, and not believing a lot of what they say or do. Etc. It was only because you referred me to one of your WW threads that I saw the advice about standing up to disrespect. That was the 'new information' - "Huh? You mean we can address this?"

Knowing this I'll certainly tackle it with my W the next time we meet.

I'd like to know what the characteristics of a WAW are (as opposed to a WW, which you covered) so I can settle my own mind about the matter. Is there a list anywhere?

I will put my hands up to being a Nice Guy though. I'd appreciate it if you can let me know the name of the book you mentioned.

I totally agree that, whatever the case, I need to GAL, detach, stop all pursuit and drop the rope, and identify and give up on cheeseless tunnels.

I don't see that my W has any choice where to sit at church. Firstly it means we both get to sit with the kids, and she has at least been pretty 'fair' about sharing/not fighting over access. Also, practically no one else knows our situation. We're in a very Bible-believing Pentecostal church and most people there would view her behaviour in the negative. I think 'outing' her would make it so uncomfortable for her that she would leave the church, and therefore the positive influences it has. I will do everything I reasonably can to save our M, but I won't knowingly take a step that moves it towards D.

Regarding the ring, I think of the 'believe nothing they say and half of what they do' rule. Just yesterday I saw a photo from W's holiday with the kids and her mother in January, and she isn't wearing the ring. So I now know it came off when she went away and not when she came home, as I previously thought.

Without knowing more, I feel very sure that she's had more bad advice from her mother, probably along the lines of "If you're seperated you shouldn't wear your wedding ring" (just like whatever the "if you're marriage is in trouble, don't go to counselling" gem). I feel if I ask W about it, she'll be forced to take a position on it. It will crystalise in her mind and become a decision rather than just something she did, which she could change her mind about and reverse. I have seen her wearing a ring on her wedding finger several times on non-work days. I think if she were trying to fool the Pastor, she might accidentally leave it on after church, but it wouldn't be on her finger three days later. I do think wearing a different ring is some sly act of rebellion though.

Again, I appreciate the help. Rip me down anywhere I am off track.