Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

Well, Day four of being stuck at home with the kids. We are doing okay, but trying not to go stir crazy. H traveled for work anyway of course.

We had MC on saturday. The MC worked with my husband on how logical he is all the time and avoids emotions. My husband stated at the end he doesn't have a desire to work on the marriage. But he and the MC agreed that he could experiment on having a desire to have the desire.

I'm kind of like whatever. Hanging out here in limbo. It was an odd week because of all the closures here in CA. It's sad because we are so good as a family together. And we did talk more this week and he didn't act repulsed if we touched at all. So there are tiny good things. But honestly, I have had hope so many times and had it squished I try hard not to think about it too much. One day I do well, another day I feel so sad. I have been getting sick repeatedly due to the emotional stress. I had trouble even wanting to get out of bed this morning. I've got to do better than that. It's hard because its been raining here and you can't leave the apartment. I worked on organizing my daughter's room with her.

He and my son had plans to go skiing next week, but of course that's all shut down now. He keeps pushing to take DS out of town anyway, but I am telling him I am not comfortable with the state of things now, and I don't want my family in different states right now. Inside I have to fight backing down because I want to please. But so far I have been holding strong.

I go back and forth. One moment I am detaching well, the next I feel so sad and wish I could hear my H say ILY. Then I feel super angry and am pretty sure I hate him. I feel stuck in limbo. He has talked about D, and as we all know planned it out in his head (what would be best for all of us -- ugh) but has not talked to an L or filed anything. He has a big unicorn and rainbow idea of D anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. I've got to pick myself up so I can be a better mom and more present for them.