Husband Living a Double Life

[oceangrl]

It is completely normal at the beginning to have those horrible images flash in your head. I remember it well. I still get them occasionally now. Do you have any of MWD's books? She has the DR book, but also Healing from Infidelity where she discusses some tips on handling this. I hope you are still seeing an IC.

Here are some ideas for when this happens:

1. Move your body. When you find yourself slipping into trauma mode with this images, you will feel your body begin to freeze. If you are in your car or at your desk, move your wrists in circles. You can also do this with your ankles. It actually breaks your looping thoughts as your brain is forced to focus on something else. Get up and dance. I don't care how weird that seems or how much you don't want to. It works. You can also take a walk or go running.

2. Purge write: Pour everything on a piece of paper. Everything. Then go outside in a safe place, use a pan or something, and burn it. That symbolizes getting rid of it and having it not have power over you.

3. Call a friend, get on here, vent it out and hear someone tell you it's okay, you will be okay.

4. MWD and other suggest using a method called thought-stopping. Picture a big red stop sign or something like that and allow it to break your thoughts.


Your husband has some serious issues right now. He is not trustworthy, and if I understand correctly, has not ended his affair. His world will most likely come crashing down at some point, but right now it is still too full of fantasy. Denial is provably a useful place for him.

You are afraid to divorce because it is scary. Your life is changing, you are in the middle of trauma. And while not perfect (like the rest of us), you are a good person who thought your wedding vows were permanent.

I understand fearing rejection. I am still dealing with this every day. What has helped me is really working on myself. Reminding myself that I am going to be okay no matter what. That even though he doesn't choose me, I choose me. Remind yourself that he isn't a very nice person right now, he doesn't treat you well, and honestly, his judgement is obviously not so great. You don't need his validation.

For the marriage to work, you must work on yourself. You are doing WAY better than me at this stage, please pat yourself on the back for that. You are not begging and chasing and pleading. He has got to get out of fantasy land before he could begin to make the changes required to change his behavior and become trustworthy. Focus on you and keep moving forward.

I have read some good advice from veterans here. They have reminded us many times that in the end, divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean that down the road you can't get together again. But changes have to be made first, where you know he is safe.

I'm so sorry this [censored] so much. It's so hard. Keep posting here.