Through The Storm III

[wayfarer]

Hey sweet girl, been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm sorry you're having to deal with tragedy while dealing with personal tragedy. I hope you know that knowing when to walk away or at the very least walk away for a little while is the point of all this. You are doing KG. And that's all that matters.

[IronWill]

IW,

Thank you for a thoughtful list. You're absolutely correct in that the AP is just a symptom of whatever it is internally she is struggling through. I'm working on giving up the control - I feel like I had improved and reverted when we were living together and trying to reconcile. I may have some lingering issues. It's something I'm working on. It's not blatant control (ie: telling someone what they can and cannot do) but the subconscious control that I struggle with. (ie: walking on eggshells, trying to give comfort or advice when I should just listen) Forgiving myself is tough stuff. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess I do feel guilty or like a failure with the thought of my marriage failing/divorce.

Hey Kristin - no problem

I've been through h3ll, most of it before I found this place, but if you look back through my earlier threads you will see that I was spinning just like you are now. I was riding an emotional rollercoaster because I was so h3llbent on saving what I thought was still my MR. It was a fool's errand - because it only takes one person to end an R, and WAW had ended it single handedly - without even giving me much of an explanation or really informing me about it.

I think it will help you greatly to start to accept that your M is over. It will not be an easy thing to do. It was the hardest thing I had to do, at a time when so many other elements of my life were out of control too, much like you are experiencing now.

That's not to say that this is for forever, it is only to say that this is what is happening at this particular moment.

Yail is very wise. I like the way she addresses the fact that you do not have to stop loving W. That is how I view it also. That's not what detachment is about at all. Like I said before, it is for you and your health. And right now that is priority.

None of us knows what the future will bring. Maybe some of us or a lot of us Recon, maybe a lot or some of us do not. But that is for the future, not for right now.

Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. We are all human. It is ok to fall down, but it is also important that we learn the lesson on why we fell down, and to try not to repeat that misstep the next time we are presented with a problem.

I would suggest that you go back and re-read all of your threads. I do that on occasion, and it does help me to get a bigger picture of what is happening in my life - see the things that I succeeded at, and the ones I failed at. I think it may help you too to view your sit from a different perspective.

Take care - stay strong

[KristinG]

You were careful to say to us that you did not believe you were piecing. But we saw your hope, and you state it now that you thought you were there. I point this out only for one reason - I think you were censoring yourself and how you present here on the boards. Playing it safe with what you wrote. And that's totally ok - you owe us NOTHING. But I hope that no matter what is next for you you are always being open and honest with yourself in when you feel hope or expectations or considering what you want or your needs. I just hope that part of you is not censored to play a role. Do you journal for yourself only?

Hey Yail. Thank you for pointing out censorship and how it relates to our journey. I didn't realize it, but yes, I have definitely censored myself to some degree on these boards. Honestly, after you posted the other day, I spent some time re-reading my thread and comparing it to my journal at home. I don't know if it is the fear of being chastised, fear of failure, or some need of approval. I have been honest with the way things have happened and how I have felt about all of it, but I probably have watered down my thoughts to some extent. My journal is a mixed bag of crazy emotions, plans, dreams, and sometimes angry rants about all kinds of fun things. One thing really stuck out to me when reading through my personal journal. I have stated time and time again that I don't want to be with someone that is in love with someone else. That is my focus in the coming days.

Nothing that I have posted has been censored to play any sort of role. I have been true to myself on this forum and have shared so many fears and so much growth with everyone here - and I'm thankful to have a community where someone else knows how this feels. I felt so lost for a while after initial BD and separation and I truly believe finding DB helped to push my inner strength forward. I was obsessive and checking phone records multiple times daily. I was trying to follow social media and always had to know what ww was doing. I was trying to manipulate and guilt my ww into choosing to work our MR. Once I found this safe place filled with people who have been through some of the same things, I finally found some direction. Lists of things I could do to rebuild myself if that makes sense.

IW,

Thanks for the recommendation to re-read the journey. It has helped to see the progress within myself. I agree with you and Yail about changing my views of detachment. I don't think I will ever stop loving ww, but it will definitely shift with time on how I love her/feel about her. I'm working on not making the same mistakes over again. I'm working to focus on what I want out of life outside of any romantic relationship.

KG

[unchien]

Kristin ~ Sorry to see the latest updates.

I'm working on giving up the control - I feel like I had improved and reverted when we were living together and trying to reconcile. I may have some lingering issues. It's something I'm working on. It's not blatant control (ie: telling someone what they can and cannot do) but the subconscious control that I struggle with. (ie: walking on eggshells, trying to give comfort or advice when I should just listen) Forgiving myself is tough stuff. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess I do feel guilty or like a failure with the thought of my marriage failing/divorce.

Completely biased personal opinion ~ the first step to forgiving yourself is getting over feeling like a "bad" person (guilt, shame, feeling like a failure).

[Yail]

I like what unchien says.

To be sure you know my intentions in writing - I didn't think at all you were lying or being untruthful about your feelings or actions. That seemed authentic. I guess I wondered (and I could absolutely be wrong here) if you had a bit of watering down to avoid chastisement. I get the sense that a lot of people do that here.

And I don't blame them. It can be overwhelming to have various strangers on the internet giving you immediate advise to a sitch they know a bit about but are not intimately familiar with the nuances of. I think sometimes softening the story to allow yourself some breathing room is okay.

I just wanted to be sure you weren't in denial about your own process, because you're still on the journey in the mucky-much of it. I think you will fare better if you are strong in your beliefs and understanding of self every step of the way.

I have stated time and time again that I don't want to be with someone that is in love with someone else. That is my focus in the coming days.

That is a good one. Can you add to it for balance? You know what you do not want. What DO you want? It doesn't have to be related to a R, but sometimes focusing on where you're going helps you leave a place you don't want to be.

Keep going my dear.

[Yail]

How you doing KG? How is volunteering, how are the animals, and are you able to focus on things other than the sitch?

[KristinG]

Happy Monday.

Hey U - good to see you bud! Thanks for the advice on forgiving myself. I am definitely trying to work on acceptance of divorce if that is the outcome. Even still, it's a tough pill to swallow in feeling like my marriage failed. Working through it.

Yail - Thanks for checking in. Also, I have been thinking a good deal about your question as to what I DO want. I know in the short term, I want to stop feeling so anxious and hurt. I want to work on boundaries and being more assertive in my life (both personal and professional). Long term, I want to be with someone that values, respects, and honors me. Do I hope that WW is that person? Absolutely. Do I want to be ok either way? Absolutely.

The animals are doing well. We've treated a TON of injured pets. Debris from the storms did some crazy damage. I am finding it easier to focus on things other than my sitch and I'm really trying to self correct when I feel myself spinning. I put together my new indoor rower and worked out this weekend (with Sno Tha Product on blast). Now I can hardly move! Haha. I have made plans with friends a few nights this week and I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. Tonight I'm making a killer squash casserole because, well, it's delicious and I'm craving it. I hope you're doing well.

KG

[Yail]

Lots of time at home these days, so I saw your update right away

OMG you really did listen to Snow?! I'm SO pleased. That makes me really happy. She can certainly make you groove. Good for solo dance parties. I've tested it. :-D

Squash casserole sounds GOOD. If I could go to the store I would make that too. But I'm currently self-isolating in my apartment and working from home because I have a cold and no one wants to hear me cough in a public space. I fully respect that. Butternut squash casserole? Other?

I still hope you might change your "wants" to be even more positive-leaning and not against something negative. So instead of "stop feeling anxious and hurt" I wonder what you do want? Maybe you do want to feel joyful and hopeful? Engaged with life and happy? Content and peaceful? I think it's more of a visioning exercise to see yourself where you want to be - but not watch what you're trying to leave behind.

I love that not a single thing in this post was about your WAS. I like it!

[KristinG]

Haha yeah I totally checked out Sno after your recommendation several months ago and now she is included in one of my "women who rock your socks" playlists. Sorry to hear about your cold - stay safe and isolated with a crumby immune system right now. It's a yellow squash and onion casserole that my grandma always made growing up. Mouth. Watering.

I am definitely going to try your exercise envisioning where I want to be instead of what I'm trying to change or leave behind. Hadn't thought of it in those terms.

[may22]

I totally second Yail's idea of envisioning what you want, not what you don't want. That is the way to go... and share it back with us if you don't mind!