I'm due to sign the consent orders at my L's office on Wednesday. Very ready to get this done.
Just journalling now, even though I said I wasn't going to focus on the past anymore. This seemed significant enough to reflect on.
Tonight, I found a notebook in my desk drawer that I used to keep notes, scribble down reminders, scraps of writing inspiration, song lyrics etc. And apparently, a couple of letters to XH. One from 2012 after we'd been together for year or so, and another from 2013 just before we moved in together.
The first one:
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I love you so much. This is hard but it's come to the point where I have to say it for my own sake. This is beyond "getting sh!tty" or whinging or whatever, so please try to understand and take it seriously.
The truth is that ever since you told me that us being together probably wouldn't result in anything serious, I've been unsure about everything. Unintentionally or not, you really hurt me. I feel like I'm not good enough for you and I'm just holding on until the other shoe drops. I've tried to explain this but I always do it wrong which is why I'm putting it in writing for clarity.
This has always been serious for me, I wouldn't have bothered to keep up a real relationship this long for anything less. To hear that I might have been wrong for the past year has been killing me, especially when you keep telling me you love me. I don't get how you can love me but not imagine or want any kind of future with me, even in an abstract way.
You'll probably say I'm over-reacting or taking it the wrong way but I'm so confused that I don't know what to do any more. I'm going to give you some space to think about what you really want. I know what I want now.
I want someone to be proud to call me their girlfriend and introduce me to their parents and friends. I want someone who takes me seriously and doesn't dismiss my feelings even if they seem trivial or make you uncomfortable. I want someone who isn't afraid to consider the possibility of a future with me. I love you so much and think you could be someone like that if you thought I was worth the effort.
So that's what I want you to decide. Because constantly waiting for the other shoes to drop is doing my head in. There's a simple solution to this situation, one way or the other. I consider myself lucky to have you and I'm always here if you need me, so come talk to me when you're ready.
The second one:
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I'm writing this under the assumption that neither of us want to break up. Let me make it clear that in no way, shape or form do I want to break up. This is also under the assumption that we will be living together in a few weeks' time, which for the record I am looking forward to and I hope you are as well. In general we have a good relationship and I will always love you.
However I am struggling right now and it seems you are having trouble as well. Monday night was pretty much the last straw after a number of incidents over the past few weeks. So this is what's going to happen. I'm going to make it easy for you by taking myself out of the equation for a while. You can have those two or three nights a week back to do whatever you want. I don't really care. You don't have to talk to me or see me or "check in", though I will not ignore you if you want to do so.
You deserve better than a girlfriend who is angry and heartbroken all the time. I deserve more than the scraps of your time that are left over when you're finished doing everything else. This will give you time to figure out where I fit in your schedule, and I will have the chance to restore my sanity as well as my feelings of goodwill and trust toward you, which honestly are pretty low right now.
I am doing this because I don't know what else to do. You don't seem to comprehend my point of view no matter how much I explain. You don't seem to recognise the difference between being "needy" or "clingy" and genuinely wanting to share something and be close with someone. I have never tried to control what you do or who you spend time with as long as I get a fair look-in. My only agenda is that I miss you and care about things that are going on in your life, and that's why I want to be close to you.
I guess I thought that since we are going to take a fairly serious step in a few weeks that you would expect and even be happy that our lives are becoming more intertwined. However if this scares you or is not what you want, then I think we will have a real problem.
Although spending less time with you isn't what I want, I can't continue on with thing the way they are right now. So I am making an executive decision that this is what needs to happen. As I said, I love you and will always be here if you need me. So call me if you want to talk about anything at all.
Reading these letters again absolutely broke my heart for that young 20-something year old girl. She was so earnest and in love. I don't recall any specific incidents but I do remember constant unease, anxiety, confusion, and insecurity. He made me believe there was something wrong with me and that our relationship problems were all my fault.
