I'm feeling scared and lonely. H has been less engaging this weekend, which isn't that surprising, since he goes back and forth all the time, and, really, how engaging can you be when you sleep in until 11 because you were out late? But in my state all bars, nightclubs, brewpubs, and wineries are now supposed to close to curb the spread of Covid-19. This was just announced. This means H will not be working his bartender gig. And my boss just let me know she's closing the store where I work for the time being to protect everyone's health (and because it's been slow with all this going on). I'm the only full-time employee. I guess I should apply for unemployment. I should be okay for the short term at least, because our finances aren't separated. But without my own income I don't feel comfortable paying for therapy sessions. I feel guilty for buying anything. I feel extra dependent on H.
I texted H when I heard about the bars, and he just texted back, "Whoa." I guess this means no concerts for him too, and no staying out late and drinking, unless it's at a friend's house.
I just arrived home and he's not here, and I feel so sad about everything that's happening in the world and that I can't lean on him, can't talk to him about my job and his job or, well, anything normal. I am angry at him. I just yelled into his empty room that I can't believe he blew up our life and I don't know why I married him, so... yeah, feeling a bit unmoored. I hate him. But I don't hate him. I miss him, and I love him. It's hard to deal with more uncertainty (job, town, world) on top of the craziness that already exists in my life. I'm sure a lot of you feel similarly. People who aren't going through WAS/MLC drama feel overwhelmed and anxious. This is a lot to cope with.
I am trying to remember tomorrow is a new day. Anything could happen, including good things. This is just a shaky moment.
