Letting go of the fear is currently my biggest obstacle. I thought once the divorce was finalized last summer I wouldn't have to worry about all the stuff she wants to go back to court for.
That is a good thought.
You don’t have to worry.
Worrying is praying for something you don’t want.
See the strikeout text ^^^. That is reinforcing your fear.
Letting go of fear and worry isn’t because a possible future event can’t or won’t happen. It comes from the rationalization that you cannot control what she is going to do. You have done all you can do. Papers are signed and things sorted out. Let go. You will deal with stuff if it comes up.
Originally Posted by rooskers
I told myself after she signed the papers, "you have a house, job, emergency savings, daughter who loves you, and your health, so you have nothing to fear."
After D we take stock and see where we are. Fear is gone because divorce and spilt of assets has happened. It is no longer a possible future event. We take stock and figure out how to move forward. We control what we can.
Loss of control is a big part of fear. It feeds that irrational trigger/emotion and reinforces itself. Uncouple that.
The possible future opening of the divorce decree is, as you have stated, a source of worry and fear. Push pass the initial and see what you are afraid of. It is not the opening of the decree, it is changing the decree. It is losing more stuff.
Rationalize this and uncouple it. Let go.
Originally Posted by rooskers
Yes I have a lawyer and text and email evidence that show I never committed fraud, abuse, put her under duress, prevented her from seeing D14, or anything else she has accused me of. My lawyer literally laughed when he read the papers served. He is not worried in the slightest.
Follow your lawyer’s lead. He is not worried.
To further the letting go the fear of loss. Your health - XW can’t take that. You daughter’s love - XW can’t take that. Your spirit, beliefs, honour, loyalty, hope, faith, God - no one can take that away from you!
The very most important things in life, no one can steal away, we give them away, and lose them ourselves. We therefore can also regain them. See that and fear not. Follow your beliefs, and what matters most will always remain.
Originally Posted by rooskers
This is very similar to the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and the closer I reach them the angrier XW seems to become and the more she wants to hurt me and D14.
I, of course, do admire and respect those goals.
It is likely XW will lash out the more you heal and move forward. It matters not. Her behaviour and actions do not limit nor steer what you do - focus on you.
Let her waves of anger crash against your strength and beliefs. Weather her storm, be a stanchion, stand for you and D14. All storms eventually blow themselves out. Be stronger than the storm. Be more than the storm.
This is upon you on four fronts, four paths.
The intellectual path, the business side, the divorce decree. Remain logical and intellectual, rational and reasoned, continue to go through your lawyer.
The emotional path, is irrational. The strengthen of logic and reason do exist within this realm. You already possess a compassion towards XW. You have detachment. Compassionate indifference allows one’s heart to remain squishy and flex to the emotional pressures. A rigid and protected heart will shatter under too much pressure and cannot grow encased within it’s calcified cocoon. Compassionate indifference gives you both protection and growth.
The physical path, our behaviours and interactions. These also greatly influences our healing and our other paths. It is often underestimated. I’ve many times recommended, a gentle and peaceful life starts with closing the cupboard door in a gentle and peaceful manner. Our physical actions have an unspoken and yet loud affect upon us. Ensure your actions are leading you where you want to go.
The spiritual path, your beliefs. It is good to read about your rock solid beliefs and how they have served and do serve you. Our beliefs are the underpinnings, the foundation, and the summation of everything we are. Living misaligned with one’s beliefs leads to chaos. It is so important to discover one’s beliefs and ensure they are what you want. Alter and strengthen and live them.
The waves that at first contained so much power, crashed, and threatened to smash everything. Rigidly I stood, trying to be strong, trying to find strength against the forces that rhythmically and ceaselessly pushed. I feared. I weakened. I toppled.
Slowly, I rose up. Strength needs flexibility. Compassion needs indifference. Understanding needs empathy. Acceptance needs forgiveness.
The waves that at first contained so much power, no longer crash, no longer threaten. Was it the wave that crashed against me, or me against the wave? Nowadays the storm is nothing, literally nothing. Whatever blows my way passes through with hardly a disturbance.
Looking back, her storm was cruel, and formidable. But it was my storm that toppled me. My fears were the waves that crashed and almost destroyed me.
We face many storms. It is the one inside us that is most powerful. And is the one we can actual do something about.
I believe you are on an excellent path; all four of them.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
