The thing is... yes I do. I do feel I have ruined his life by all the things he is telling me. But then I look back and I think on facts, and they don't always line up. This causes me confusion.
Here is what I do admit. I do admit I have problems with insecurity and jealousy. I wrote about it in my other post. But, I did tell him all of this about myself before we got married. In fact, I used to speak in great depth about my problems and he always assured me we would work on them. (Promised me that he would go to counseling if we ever needed to. That was not true. He has refused since we got married. He also added me to accounts when we were engaged, normal things people joining a union would do. But then the first big fight we had, he removed me from all accounts and has never given me access to them again. Didnt put my name on the house deed when we bought a house.) Looking back on it, I see now that his idea of "working on it" was just to avoid doing anything that would make me question him. There have been a few times I have said, "Look, I know I am this way. I hate it about myself. I wish that you would work with me. If you feel you want to go do something, don't NOT do it. Just keep me informed, and I will learn to be okay with it as long as you and I can keep an open line of communication and we are respecting each other." He would always say he didn't feel that I meant it and it was easier to just avoid it altogether. Then he would resume not doing anything, always drinking heavily in his recliner playing video games for hours and hours.
The only social interaction he ever has is whoever he talks to at work and to people on his video games. So, last week when I returned from staying at my mother's house at almost 6 in the morning and heard him talking to a female on his phone, I freaked out. It isn't the norm. Why would he wait until after he tells me he is done, after I leave to take a break at my mom's, to begin talking/laughing to some girl at 6 am?
I lost it. He became enraged. Said it was a friend and "he can't even talk to friends". I felt horrible, apologized profusely. It didnt matter.
Why couldnt he have done these things and worked with me when we were getting along? Why wait until he says he is done to take back his lost freedom? I used to write him handwritten letters asking him to go to counseling. To work on us. To tell him marriage takes work and nurturing and I want to nip things in the bud before they become big issues.
He also says I am the reason he doesn't talk to his family. That's not right. There have been many times I have invited his family to come for the holidays. He would say don't. I would encourage him to call his mom and his sister on their birthdays, he wouldn't... When he came back from overseas, (we were newly married) he wanted to go with me and I said well dont you want to stop at your moms? You havent seen her in so long. He refused. He didnt even want me to bring them to the airport, and I thought that was so weird. It seemed off. Looking back, I see now that it was weird. He doesnt talk to his father and I have never met his father because apprently he is a real pos, beat him as a child. The only person I was uncomfortable with in his family and spoke up about was his brother. Before I even met his brother he would tell me how he is a drug addict, a pu**y hound", etc. I immediatley was on edge after hearing that. And the time his brother DID come to visit, they ended up at a strip club. I only found out about it because I found reciepts he left out. He lied and said he as going somewhere else that night. It wasnt the first time he lied about where he was. He lied when he was on deployment, got off the phone with me and said he was going to bed, called me the next day telling me how he broke his hand. I asked how did you do that? He said I was out at the bar. I said i thought you were going to sleep? Oooops.
So, am I controlling? Yes. Trust issues? Yes. Bgi time. I hate it about myself. Its ruined my life and my relatioships. But not everything he is blaming me for is true. He makes the choice to not work with me to overcome this and other issues. He makes the choice to drink almost 12 beers a night and jerk off to porn while I cry because he hasnt touched me in so long. He makes the choice to refuse to tell me about his day, and then get mad that I supposedly never ask him about how he is... He has shut me down so many times. So so many times I cant even count. Even when we are getting along, I would ask him things, about how work is, etc. He wouldnt want to talk. So im just confused how his perception is what it is.
But there are things I am ashamed of. The not trusting him. The accusing (i have accused him quite a bit). The repeated texts and phone calls when he would ask to be left alone. those things i feel bad about, ive always felt bad about them....
