Your situation is eerily similar to my own. There are very few mothers who totally abandon their own children. Illness or crisis or whatever - imagine the inner torment it must take to change someone so much they would throw away their children. It is barely conceivable.
I know how it feels. I cuddled my wife, awoke to Thanksgiving Day, a day of games and family. Enjoyed a wonderful turkey supper, then a surprise announcement from my wife - she stood up at the end of the table and told me, the four kids, and my parents that she was leaving, her affair, and I could have the house, the cars, the money, and the kids, unless I didn’t want them then she would have to take them. She left that night with OM; he came and picked her up. By the way he is my neighbour, living 1 mile away. She ran less than a mile away, but it is worlds apart.
Our divorce require each of us to have legal representation. Her L was flabbergasted at what she was doing. He forced her to see two financial planners, and sign waivers, on top of everything else, to prove that she was knowingly and willingly doing this. She left everything, save most of her clothes, a laundry basket, the bathroom scale, some frozen fruits and vegetables, and a coffee mug. Nothing else, no pictures, no pets, no money, no pension, no gifts from the kids, nothing that would connect her to her past life. She was a stay at home mom who ran a daycare at our house. She raised kids for 24 years.
Most divorce decrees are good and binding. Mine own required being separated for at least one year and then apply for divorce which takes time to grant and then gets enacted 30 days later - lots of time to change one’s mind. XW jumped the gun and actually applied for divorce 3 weeks early. I got served the papers. I never pushed the process, she rushed everything along.
My XW is like your wife. They become different people - completely. There is nothing you can say to her that she will hear or would be willing to hear - at the moment. The future is thankfully unknown and you have being given a gift of time which I suspect you have been using wisely.
Navigating the time after one’s divorce, and the resulting family problems and shifts in dynamics, does take time. Focus on you and your kids. Let go XW. Let go the fear. Discover you and your beliefs. Strengthen the beliefs you desire, alter or discard those that do not serve you. Live those beliefs. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual paths do align. One can heal and live in peace and gentle happiness.
Stay strong and live in the light.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I never pushed the process, she rushed everything along.