Captain, do you mind saying how much you currently weigh?
6'2" about 270.
I once (before I met my wife) weighed close to 400 lbs, and lost weight down to around 210. I gained some back after surgery and was probably about 235 when I met her. Once I was in a relationship I got more complacent and she kept getting me food (her sister once joked she was getting me fat so I wouldn't leave). I think I was around 300 when we got married, and have kind of bounced up and down in the 30 lb range between 270 and 300 since. She tried to get me into some workout place she liked and it was not good for me (I have some neck/back issues from my previous weight and a work injury). It just made me want to eat more, and caused some injuries which meant I couldn't exercise at all.
I've quit that and and just doing things my way that I know works, and doing well. She's not making it easy as she has loaded up the house with snack food (something I have asked her not to do several times over the last few years) in response to this coronavirus. But, I'm managing and avoiding it for the most part.
On separate notes - she did not try to go out of town to her concert today. Also, another thing leading up to last week's (first week of March) more pleasant. When I was doing the wrong thing and pursuing (or as I put it, just choosing to love her, no matter how she reacted), I got her flowers and a card for Valentine's Day. When she saw them, she told me "thanks, but please don't do anything like this again." Then later in the day she texted me and thanked me for the flowers and said they looked pretty. The following week (6 days later) I noticed when I got home that she had thrown the card I got her in the trash. But then later, after she got home again, I saw that she had retrieved it from the trash and put it with her things. The trash can happens to be in site of one of our cameras, so I checked it to make sure I hadn't been mistaken when I thouggt I saw it in the trash. Sure enough, earlier in the day she could be clearly seen putting it in the trash, and later she goes to retrieve it once I leave the room.
Choosing to love her is respecting her wish for distance. Not buying her presents against her wishes which make her feel uncomfortable. You are doing what you want, not what she wants in regards to showing her love.
Is it loving to do what she doesn’t want you to do?
Choosing to love her is respecting her wish for distance. Not buying her presents against her wishes which make her feel uncomfortable. You are doing what you want, not what she wants in regards to showing her love.
Is it loving to do what she doesn’t want you to do?
Sometimes, yes. Love is not always doing what someone wants. Sometimes doing what they need is more important and loving.
That is a pretty constant thing with kids, and quite frequent with adults.
I have had reason to believe she was/is in a pretty dark place.
You think she needed Valentine’s Day cards and flowers? What she needed was for you to give her space.
I think it was more like YOU needed to give them to her.
Who are you to decide what she needs as a grown adult? That’s a little condescending isn’t it? Sometimes people just need to be heard and have their wishes respected. As much as it isn’t what feels comfortable to us. Now that’s love.
You think she needed Valentine’s Day cards and flowers? What she needed was for you to give her space.
I think it was more like YOU needed to give them to her.
Who are you to decide what she needs as a grown adult? That’s a little condescending isn’t it? Sometimes people just need to be heard and have their wishes respected. As much as it isn’t what feels comfortable to us. Now that’s love.
You're very off base here and making assumptions about someone you have never met. Sorry. Actually...two people. You say I have no business saying what she needs, but then go and say, as if it's a fact, what both of us need. You have no idea what she or I need.
And IMO taking a very naive perception that people always make good decisions about what they need. Just because someone is a grown adult, it doesn't mean they won't act in ways that are harmful to themselves. Sometimes people do just need to be heard and have their wishes respected. Sometimes that is not the case. Sometimes people need others to not run away and give up on someone when they get a little push back. Sometimes blind support is the worse thing for someone. Enabling is a thing.
And apparently, you missed the whole "I was doing the wrong thing" comment. Though, to be honest, I am doubting that somewhat. Things did seem like they were getting a fraction better, but since I have stopped, things have regressed. And if going by DR, then I should stick with what was working...
I know you are skeptical about the advice given here but the one thing I can promise you is that pursuit never works.
I understand the concept. Though, I am sure there are instances (maybe rare) where it has worked. But, I didn't look at the things I was doing as acts of pursuit. I wasn't doing them in an effort to win her heart (might not be how she saw it, however). I was merely choosing to love unconditionally.
I dunno, maybe if you guys knew some more of the things I know, that you'd understand why I felt she was someone that was not in a good place and really needed love and not the kind that would run at the first sign of trouble.
But, I think we're getting sidetracked with things I did before instead of focusing on what I have been doing.
O, she is in a dark place. No doubt about it. Very dark. You are doing classical newbie mistakes, but thst's ok. But you snapping at the good people here that only are only trying to help is wrong. You are forhetting that many of us have years and years of experience at this and we have came across hundreds of stories like yours. Believe or not, but your actions are pursuit. It might work, but the vast majority of cases say otherwise
It is OK to disagree with our advice, but please show some respect to the people whoo took time from their lives to help you.
