WAW - is it too late?

[sandi2]

However, in those early months post-BD, when she would make some kind of unprovoked snide remark or slightly under her breath personal attack, I would respond with a biting comeback and sometimes my comebacks were nasty. Once I started reading about WWS, coming to this forum, etc I changed that tactic and stifled (for the most part), some of my nasty comebacks. Occasionally, I’ll make mistakes and get drawn in.

You have to emotionally detach from the drama in that moment, in order for you to calmly handle the real issue at hand.....which is her lack of respect. How are you going to address her lack of respect if you are acting just as badly? You have this WW who operates strictly from her emotions, so if she disrespects you, are you going to operate from your emotions, too? That's pretty much going to guarantee digging the marriage grave deeper. Emotions are not designed to think. Google defines emotions as a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. Emotions are designed to feel……... not think. As you've pointed out, when you have a good mindset, you feel confident, which goes to show how important it is to maintain a healthy, balanced mental attitude.

So, how do you keep your emotions under control, when your W says/acts disrespectful? Practice! Remind yourself emotions can’t think. You mentally shift gears, so you can think properly and have discernment. Look at it as putting on your adult hat, b/c she is behaving like a rude, disrespectful, mouthy, rebellious teenager. If you are going to be the adult in the situation, then you cannot react with similar behavior seen in her. You have to put your emotions in check, so you can draw from the logical side of your brain. In order to be respected, you have to conduct yourself in a respectful manner.

I also don’t always just let her get away with her under the breath comments. When I’m in a good mindset, I can just quietly and confidently squash it. And, sometimes in her presence – when she’s acting smug or arrogant, I’m like a frayed live wire and just try to physically get out of her sight so I don’t make a really nasty comment or call her out on everything she’s done. It’s just I don’t know when she’ll do this, and it will sometimes catch me off my guard and I emotionally react rather than stoically respond.

So, one time you are feeling like a confident man, and "squash it", while another time you aren't feeling like a confident man, which leaves you vulnerable. Know why? B/c when you are vulnerable, the format is set for your emotions to jump in to respond/react. Every day you have to have to practice with whatever happens in your surroundings. You are vulnerable when you don’t feel confident and in charge of yourself. That’s what you work on. Who is responsible for your emotions? YOU! Who controls your emotions? YOU!

You never know when she's going to act smug or arrogant and it catches you off guard? Okay………….let’s try this. By the power invested in me as a former WW, I now declare you on guard, as long as you both shall live.

Seriously, nobody gets "to know" beforehand, and that's why we tell LBH's they need to work on themselves. Every day you work on being a confident man. You can't feel great 100% of the time, but you can learn how to use your logical thinking, and not run in the opposite direction b/c your emotions are overwhelming. She has a WW mindset, so know that she's going to continue this behavior until she learns it isn't worth the consequences. You've been warned.

As far as interacting together around others – we are generally respectful and occasionally act as if everything’s normal. It does make me seethe under the surface at times. Mostly, because it just illustrates how good she is at lying and leading a double-life.
The one thing that has increased from her is her possessiveness she displays in front of others with me in earshot: i.e. calling our kids – “her kids” or our house “her house” etc.

I could be missing how you mean the second part ^^^^^^^^^. Are you sure you aren't being a bit over-sensitive? It’s understandable that you are sensitive to most everything she says or does. You take it personally. IMHO, you need some discernment before you can set effective boundaries. You need to understand how a wife shows her H disrespect, and we can help if you’ll continue giving us examples. FWIW, when I'm talking with other women, I say "my kids" and "my house", but it is not to show possessiveness. Are you suggesting she emphasizes “my” or repeats several times, while looking side-eyed at you? Does she brag to your friends (men & women) to make you look bad? IDK, I hope you'll explain.

Her outright spewing at me has quieted down recently. She doesn’t yell at me. But, it was really bad in early months post-BD as I was super emotional and accusatory and argumentative with her.

I don't know what she said in her spewing, but yelling is disrespectful. The above quote is a perfect example where both people are reacting from negative emotions. Based on what I read from nice-guy H's, they experience a lot of fear after the bomb drops. Just between you and me, they all do, but the other guys don't let their WW see their fear. It's important that she doesn't sense you are intimated, threatened, scared, etc. Your job is to be the head of your family. Who wants a husband/father to lead & protect them if he's crying or afraid? I'm not saying you can never feel those things, but don't show it in front of the troops. They need to feel confident that their General is up for the job.

Early days, post-BD, I did EVERYTHING her way. And, now, I’m almost 100% back to my way again. But, it’s the snide comments that I haven’t had a good strategy for stifling as my emotions will occasionally run hot now because of our sitch. It has become a million times more difficult to accept petty criticisms from someone who may be cheating on you, than someone who is commited to you.

I'm going to pick up here in the next post, since this one is so long.