You're right. I really think hes going through a breakdown and I cant help but blame myself. I apologize profusely and he says he is okay the point of hearing sorry. What I havent done is ever heard a sorry front him. Its always me panicking at the thought of us not working, pushing him too far, leaving him alone for weeks at a time, him him him. I have some major issues with abandonement. I've beat myself up for years and tried counseling, skills workshops, all on my own. I never considered maybe we just aren't a good match and maybe he stinks for me. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I would even keep trying while neglecting myself. Any self help has been for him and us. So it was never really self help. I've never once considered his coping skills (the heavy drinking every day, the video game addictions, the isolation, the being up for 5 days and sleeping for almost 2 days, the refusal to talk to his family and then blaming it on me, the withholding finances, withholding affection, shutting down, etc) were all his issue alone. I've mulled over and over how can I make it better. I never once thought, I CANT, and just dropped it. My pushing has made us both worse. It is so so hard for me to let go. I think I need some serious soul searching. There were so many red flags I have ignored and I think at this point the only thing I can do is give up entirely on that. Which makes me wonder why I'm even on this board now. I signed up wanting to know how to save US when I think what I need to do is save myself.
