I never liked the mantra of believe nothing they say and half of what they do. I think that was created strictly for the cheaters. I think your w is being honest with you on how she feels right now. How she feels today may not reflect how she feels 5 years from now. One of the biggest misconceptions on here is that a divorce means the story is over.
I'm not gonna lie Scotty you have a long painful road ahead of you but you will get through it. It's a journey and the best thing you can do is embrace it.
You wouldn't even believe what happens next in this story. I am a little concerned that at some point, somehow, my wife finds this thread so I struggle to share all the details. I really wish I felt comfortable sharing everything. It would make you want to rip your hair out, drive to where I'm at, and shake the living hell out of me.
But get this, my shrink today told me that I'm being abused and I need to stop letting it happen. I mean its crazy to me that my wife rails about how she is being abused and then my shrink tells me I am being abused. This relationship is toxic. It does need a major shakeup. It cannot continue like it is.
I mean its crazy to me that my wife rails about how she is being abused and then my shrink tells me I am being abused. This relationship is toxic.
Scott, it's not uncommon for abuse and control issues to go both ways. Before I started DB'ing, I was frequently attempting to control my ex-girlfriend AND she was frequently attempting to control me.
You wouldn't even believe what happens next in this story. I am a little concerned that at some point, somehow, my wife finds this thread so I struggle to share all the details. I really wish I felt comfortable sharing everything. It would make you want to rip your hair out, drive to where I'm at, and shake the living hell out of me.
But get this, my shrink today told me that I'm being abused and I need to stop letting it happen. I mean its crazy to me that my wife rails about how she is being abused and then my shrink tells me I am being abused. This relationship is toxic. It does need a major shakeup. It cannot continue like it is.
Scotty B,
I don’t think it’s uncommon for your shrink to tell you what you want to hear. I really do no think you’re being abused. I’m also concerned that you are heavy into denial in the stages of grief. You really have to try to let go.
I talked to my coach again and specifically brought up advice from the message board. His take was that in my past I've been the alpha, a bit of an A-hole, unyielding, not empathetic, I was very defensive, I would withdraw, etc.
So my 180 is to be more gentle, caring, loving, forgiving.
Not pleading and begging - just more empathetic.
I have seen some results that would seem to be moving things away from the Divorce cliff. So for now, its just continuing to work on being the best Me I can be by focusing on the points made above.
Well the virus canceled all of our mediation sessions. It feels to me like little progress is being made. My guys trip and her girls trip was canceled. We put separation on pause because of the virus. Still sleeping in the same bed. I’m still working on empathy. My IC is canceled for now. Basically everything is paused.
I did find some books on the enneagram which i found to be very interesting. I’m a 3w4 and she is a 9w1. That gave me a lot of perspective on myself and on her and things that have happened in our relationship. I feel like The Road Between Is should be in the list of recommended books around here.
That book and others on the enneagram really helped me see how different here and I are as I think often I saw us as very similar in the past. It also gave a lot of perspective to what we are going through as I read about unhealthy 9w1’s and how they create a false idyllic reality- very interesting. Still makes me think that separation is the only chance for her to see the light if she sees it at all.
Lots of positives are still occurring. Like yesterday I was on the porch having a beer and she came out to sit with me and enjoy some sunshine and talk. But no physical affection at all. We still sleep in the same bed.
My stress level is probably at a 6-7 consistently but I’m getting by, barely. I’m fortunate to own my own business which allows me to drift mentally at work without consequence.
I’m trying to stay focused on patience. It’s hard. I figure I’ll continue to work on myself, try to enjoy what I have for now, keep the faith, and see what happens as this virus works itself out.
I just hope I can maintain my patience without pushing or pursuing. That is tough for me.
