Pommy, how are you doing? In an earlier post you said your emotions seem to change by the hour. And that part of you just wants it to be done. I can really relate to both of those things. When all of this started (before I knew there was an OW) I felt such love and longing. I was living with this alien version of my H and I just wanted the "real" him back. And then when I found out he lived a double life all those months and looked me in the eye and lied with every breath, every day I felt humiliated and foolish and pathetic. And as the weeks have gone on, I really do feel that his "sparkles are wearing off." I wish I could credit that great phrase to the right person. I read it on here somewhere and I actually wrote it in my journal.
His sparkles are wearing off. Yes. And I no longer feel I even know who the "real" him is. Who the real H ever was. I don't have any idea what the future holds and I cannot see a clear path ahead. I do not know what is possible.
The anger I felt a few weeks ago was all consuming and destructive. I think the anger I feel now is motivating and protective. A truly righteous indignation. You did not deserve any of this. Not the lies and the betrayal. Not the Jekyll and Hyde alien H. None of it. You did not deserve it.
I do not know your H. Mine is conflict avoidant. He is a coward in every sense of the word. It takes my breath away the lengths he will go to in order to avoid any feeling of discomfort. I read somewhere that cowardice cannot exist alongside morality. That seems right. It takes courage to do the right thing even when it is difficult. I have a lot of fear about all the unknowns. For me, for my family. But I am trying very hard to not let fear paralyze me. And I think you are too. You are handling it all so bravely.
