WAW - is it too late?

[sandi2]

No, not at all. And, this only started when she became wayward. It's not a daily occurrence. My W also has had a history of making these judgy/bossy/petty-critical types of comments to all people who've become really close to her - the kids, her family. They all recognize it as one of her traits.

Unfortunately, it can get worse. Maybe she tends to be pessimistic, and she doesn't really try to absorb that which would give her a more positive attitude. IMHO, resentment/bitterness feeds the negative attitude. (If she suffers from depression then that just adds to it.) That is probably why you saw it becoming more obvious when she became wayward. I believe getting all that negative attitude out of her heart/mind, is one of the hardest jobs the WW faces when she reconciles with her H. If she's authentic in wanting to do the work, then she must have surgery on that rotten attitude. It's not easy, b/c her negative mental attitude produces verbal disrespect, as well as overtly disrespecting her H. In other words, it turns into her common every day behavior pattern, and the longer she is allowed to get away with that type of behavior, the more she'll produce it.

I've never had a problem with quick, witty comebacks. In fact, that's one thing I've always been really good at.

Okay, great. Just one thing I want to point out here. When I speak about a quick comeback.......I'm not talking about witty comebacks. Separate funny playing from put-downs, jabs, etc. It's not helpful, or right, for the WW to make a snide remark and if you call her out about it.......she claims she was just joking. You have to distinguish between what is acceptable when verbally joking/playing..........and where to draw the line. I've seen couples start out smack talking each other.......and eventually, one is going to go too far. That is a behavior that should cease immediately, when you have a WW. I mean, the H needs to stop his funny jabs or bantering. You have a WW who is disrespecting you, so nothing is funny about it, and she can't be given slack. Since it feels natural for you to respond with something witty........you may need to be extra careful. FWIW, I think you were referring to when she's not saying something disrespectful. Still, I urge you to not engage in smack talk.........b/c that is an invitation for verbal disrespect, and what can you say if she claims it wasn't serious? It's about drawing lines, and respecting those lines.

While talking about bantering, how do the two of you interact around your couple friends, relatives, or when you are out in public? Let's say the two of you are attending a cook-out and there are several people there. Do the two of you banter with each other there? I mean, you see it as all being good fun, right? At whose expense? Does it ever hit below the belt? Do you ever feel as if she tries to make you the butt of her jokes......then you have to one up? This is important, so I hope you will answer.

But, when all the red flags were raised about a possible A, plus all the spewing that seemingly came out of nowhere, I was thrown back and not sure how to respond.

For sure, you don't respond the same way you would do if she wasn't behaving suspiciously or saying something snide. If you've already told her you aren't going to tolerate being spoken to in that manner, then you need to practice various scenarios, and how you would respond. When I say practice, I mean you get somewhere nobody else will be able to observe, and if there is a mirror......even better. You know some of her snide remarks directed at you, so practice how you would call her out on it. I don't think you should call her out in front of anyone. As soon as you are alone with her after the offense, you tell her she showed disrespect. You speak calmly, slowly, and seriously. You don't threaten or give an ultimatum. (Boundaries are not ultimatums.) Be sure you are standing and your body language reflects strength & confidence. This has been an on-going behavior, and you want it stopped. If she apologizes, sincerely, (not one of those mad, sulky apologies, or where she tries to make it your fault), then you can accept her apology, but it doesn't change your stand. Don't accidentally say, "Oh, that's okay".

I don't recommend waiting to the end of a long, stressful day to approach her. Don't wait until bedtime or late at night.
You try to start another conversation and ease in the part about disrespect. You don't want her distracted about why you called her out. So, as soon as she apologizes, or not, you need to leave the room to do something else. The most important thing is not her apology, it's her action (stopping the offensive).

I think there are some examples on the boundaries link that might be helpful. Look for the poster named Coach.

Let's talk about her spewing. Is she spewing about you to you? Is she spewing about the kids, in front of the kids? Give me a little more information here. If she is not cussing out her H, screaming to the top of her lungs........then, sure, I could see him calmly listening......even validating her feelings, as long he understands what validation is and what it isn't. I think most women have times they need to vent about their day or a particular situation. Personally, I'm not what you would consider-----passive. So, when I am venting, I usually show a lot of---passion.
However, I don't swear, threaten, resort to name calling, throw things, yell/scream, or any of that type of behavior. Listening to your W vent her frustration, is not an excuse for you to put up with her ugly treatment. Know the difference? She can vent without getting angry out of control, etc.

Since this is my W and mother of my children and not just some friend or family member I could more easily distance myself from physically and emotionally, I've struggled on how to deal with these situations.

Okay, I see a lot of H's who have NGS want to just walk away whenever his WW is obviously disrespecting him in front of his kids or others. That's how nice-guys deal with bad behavior. If a discussion doesn't work, their next step is to walk away. Sometimes, that is the only thing you can do....at the moment. Let's break this down and maybe clarify.

(1) Don't confuse the issue of respect with the subject of detaching. We aren't talking about detaching here.

(2) The appropriate action is to disengage from the WW, who is out of control, or trying to fight you. The goal is to prevent a physical altercation, a loud verbal fight, and scaring the kids to death. You don't want the cops called. We have seen a couple wayward wife cases where the WW called the cops on her H, with bogus allegations, and the cops arrested the H in those particular cases. If it is a case of she said----he said, I think they take the woman's word over the man's, if there are no witnesses. Now, my question to you......is this the type of situation you were referring to when you said walk away?

(3) When the issue is less about avoiding a fight, and more about addressing the WW's obvious disrespect, the goal should be to command (not demand) respect under his own roof, and to teach his children to be respectful. If they see mom showing disrespect for daddy, then they will do it, too. Before there is another incident, he can calmly approach his WW about how her disrespectful comments (and/or behavior) make him feel. If she apologizes and says she will try to be more respectful, the H can respond by saying thanks, and end it. However, if it happens the second time, then he needs to firmly inform her that he will not tolerate disrespect in front of his children (or other people). By the third offense, he should be prepared to enforce an effective boundary.

You said you wanted examples of consequences. It's not that simple to give a blanket answer. We need YOU to give us some examples of things she says, or something she does that is a direct show of a lack of respect. Then, we can weigh in with our ideas, suggestions, or experiences in how to handle it. OK?