Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

Update/Journaling

After such an emotionally tough weekend, I am surprised at the week I am having. I think I have heard his mean complaints about me so much that I have developed some level of immunity and an ability to internally roll my eyes and see it from a different perspective. Before I would take it all incredibly personally. I really don't right now. I am still sad at the situation, but it's more of a natural and healthy sadness.

I have been able to be just "me" lately. Laugh, joke, feel more light-hearted. I can see him react to me....but I don't care. It's not about him. I don't care what he does or if it makes him feel more relaxed or not. I truly and just being me. I am not avoiding him or going to him. I am not thinking about what he is doing in another room or who is messaging. I'm not thinking about him at all. I don't need to prove anything to him. I don't care if he is attracted to me. He once brought up my other female friends and would say, "So and so is the whole package." He would also allude to how I was not. It hurt me terribly at the time for good reason. Now I think whatever, because I don't respect him enough to let him decide what kind of "package" I am. I decide that.

I am letting soak in every cell that I am going to be okay. Regardless of what he does or where this ends, I am going to be okay. My future is mine.

It's incredibly freeing. I feel more relaxed than I have in three years.

For me to entertain being with him again, I would have to see a profound change of heart. I will not tolerate anything less anymore. And that I cannot control.

I would tell beginning DBers that THIS is the point of DBing. It can save your marriage. But more importantly, it saves you. If someone as needy and pathetic and clingy as I was can get to this point, I swear anyone can.

The hardest times for me are in the when I wake up and just before I go to sleep. That is when I have to fight exhaustion and discouragement and fear. I am trying hard to get routines together. I need sleep, and this causes me to fight going to sleep. I am sure a psychologist could have a field day with that.

Thanks for everyone's continued support. I know that every week will not be as smooth. I know I have a lot of pain coming down the pipeline if he goes forward with this D. And he isn't very nice. He has told me that "being married to me is misery." I don't know how a clean house, good food, staying fit, being a good mom and support of his career is misery, but I guess he does. We don't even fight. I don't criticize or nag. But I suppose he has to keep to that position to feel better about wanting to check out the greener grass.