Wayfinder, when I posted before, I somehow missed your post! And I hadn't read the "While Your Spouse Decides" post from MWD yet, so I'm glad you shared it here. It did really resonate with me, as did what you posted, WF. I was friends with my H before we dated, then after I broke up with him and we had a period of not hanging out together while we were seeing other people, then we became friends again before we got back together and eventually married. I am a friendly neighbor now, and I do admire David's words and approach, because it does seem to align with my core values. How I would want to act in that same situation, which would involve me setting my ego aside, setting aside what anyone else might think, all of that. I don't know how I would handle it, though. One day at a time.
Originally Posted by may22
Again, I always think it comes down to your own attitude. Are you being friends because you're licking up crumbs in the desperate hope he'll come back? I feel a lot like folks here (and probably IRL) feel like any friendly interaction automatically fits that mold. But I don't think so. I think if you are able to step back and understand what is going on, where you are, where he is, and be OK with what is happening in the moment, for his sake or yours or the eventual R, whatever that might look like... that is all OK and truly DBing as long as you're keeping the same basic rules about focusing on yourself and not pursuing.
This makes a lot of sense to me, May. I think I was more on the lookout for any crumb (any semblance of a friendly interaction) in the first months after BD, and since then I think I have been able to, as you say, come to a place where I have a bigger-picture understanding. I don't feel wise at all, though! I think if I come across that way at all in my posts at times, it's because writing here forces me to take apart my feelings and try to figure them out, to try to move toward a bigger perspective.
That said I know I still have underlying expectations... whenever I read something here about some nice interaction with the WAS not meaning anything, I find myself wanting to push back on that in my own sitch, like, well, I no longer am desperate to think these friendly interactions with H mean no D, but I do think they are positive. I do think, because of the way we always started as friends in the past before R, it is positive if I am a friendly neighbor and H is increasingly engaged. Because of these interactions and his inaction, I do think I believe deep down he is not 100% sure of his path, and that has expectations wrapped up in it. I'm still making progress for me, I hope.
May, maybe our Hs can exchange record player storage designs! Haha.
