You ask a really good question and that is if I want it. To be honest for so long I thought yes but now that I see how much pain I am causing him and that he causes me I'm almost in agreeance with him.
The one thing I keep going back to is that I know in my heart that if I had my own life and didn't depend on him and other people to fulfill my joy so many issues wouldn't have become issues. There has been an unhealthy dynamic from the start that we both went into this way and we both know that it needs to change. If he told me today he wanted to work on this marriage if he told me to day he wanted to be with me and that he loves me I would absolutely want to be with him.
But to keep chasing someone and trying to force something doesn't seem genuine it seems the opposite of love. Yes I do love this man I love him very much and he does things the pisses me off he does things that hurt me but a lot of those things I don't think would hurt me so badd if I had others to rely on. An example would be how hes such a homebody but I am not home body I like to go out and do things I love to be outdoors. I don't think that that should break a relationship because the 2 are different. I saw my grandparents married in my grandfather was just like my husband he would sit in a recliner in drink and he loved to be watching TV and just keep to himself and then work outdoors on small projects he would be social from time to time but for the most part he was just a guy that liked to be by himself. From what my mom told me my grandma was very lonely for a long time but she learned to get her own life in to make friends that would do the things that she wants to do and it worked for them.
I've always had a problem depending on people to fill voids in my life and in fact every single relationship I've ever had has come to an end because of that dependency in my insecurities so I know that it's something I need to change for me because it will just continue if I ever have another relationship again and I don't want that.
I want my marriage to work that's what I do know I think it is sort of a bit tragic to see 2 people who genuinely do love each other have to end because of problems like this. I know deep in my heart he still cares about me and I wouldn't say that if I didn't really think it. I guess I agree with a lot of people here in that I don't like the word divorce I don't like giving up its not something I want for my life. I do agree that quite a bit of space is needed for both of us and this is just from my point of view. I wish that he felt the same way and I struggle because I don't want to for someone who truly wants to be away from me.
