Should you D or not D, is there hope...the one to best answer that question is you. Take the time to think about it, you dont need a decision today. I still ask myself daily and the others here keep giving me good feedback. Its a decision you live with the rest of your life. It doesnt look like you have kids which lessens complexity, thankfully.
Its sounds like you don't want it, is that true? Its ok either way and its ok to change your mind. If you make the decision to D, make sure you have no doubt and consistently want it. I'm 8+ months in limbo and neither W nor I can make the call to D. At first she said all kinds of terrible things like your H did. Its a vicious defense mechanism. "We are toxic for each other", "I never truly loved you", "You're abusive and hurtful", "you make me anxious", "im 100 percent sure I want D and I'm checked out". It continued quite a bit. One of the reasons the vets recommend no relationship chats. After a few months in I heard, "I still love you", "I dont know what I want".
Mental illness is no joke. It sounds like he needs help as well but it shouldn't be you to push him to get help. You're his W and partner. He doesn't want to perceive you as a mother or counselor. He wants or wanted to be loved for who he is, good and bad. If down the road, the loving support is there, he may open up. He may not.
If he doesnt change, will you want him back? Are you willing to wait it out to see if a change occurs? He may always be a distancer, are you ok with that?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
