I don't know how to reply all to everyone but this is in response to all of the responses i have read so far.
First, I have ordered the Divorce Remedy book and in the meantime I have printed off the Dos and Don'ts List and I am browsing through the above links that Cadet posted.
There is just sooo much to say and when I post I think about a million other things I could have divulged to you all.
I guess the biggest thing that confuses me or that I wonder about is if I truly should even pursue this at all. I know in my heart I do not want to have a divorce. I know in my heart that I have contributed to so much of these problems. My husband is bipolar and I have a personality disorder. No, I am not a narcissist. I sometimes think he may be though. I have trouble regulating my emotions. And when he withdraws or is cruel then I freak out on him.
This has been the dynamic for years. Recently, he has said things like,
"Im so sick of you..." "I cannot stand you anymore." "You suck the happiness out of life"...
He even told me that he hated me. I never ever have heard him talk this way before.
Then in his calm moments he has said,
"Not all of my unhappiness is from us. I am not happy with my family (his parents will die soon), financial worries, his social life (lack of it) and he only keeps his job because its stable but it isn't what I want to be doing. I am not happy in general."
"I want peace and not to create toxicity or to receive it. I don't know what's going to make me happy in the end but this cycle is destructive to both of us and it just worsens."
"We do not work."
During that conversation, I agreed. Because I ACTUALLY agreed. It is toxic. I told him that I think we should focus on ourselves and he agreed and then said that we both have deep issues and he wants both of to be happy inside with ourselves after all of this.
I thought that meant we should focus on ourselves and work on the marriage later but he is saying this marriage has no chance and that he is done. He wants me to stop trying to connect with him. I see him trying to detach from me.
Would it be wrong to even want this marriage to work knowing that is how he feels? Knowing that we hurt each other?
I sort of feel calm a lot of the time which is a drastic difference from the first time he said he wanted a divorce years ago. I had a few days of breaking down and pursuing but since then I have backed off pretty much entirely. I stay in my corner of the house, go to work, keep to myself. Years ago that was not the case. I was an absolute mess for several months.
I feel sort of relieved in a way because I know that I have this time to really focus on me. I have neglected and avoided focusing on me and putting all of my energy into us. But just because I feel relieved to have this chance to clean myself up and attend to my long avoided issues (the number one being getting a social life), doesnt mean I want to get a divorce. HE DOES though. He has said he has had enough and I pushed him too far.
My mom told me if ever there is a chance for this marriage to ever work, I would have to completely give up all hope that it could. I would have to NEVER bring up any mention of hope to him.
So... I guess I can keep that hope to myself. Either way, I have to attend to me. I wish he would attend to him as well to better himself.. I wish he could want to put in the effort I have. As I said, we both have issues. The difference is, I have been to years of counseling by myself when he wouldn't go. I stopped drinking. I found a job in the government. But when I look back, he continues to drink, to watch porn, to isolate, and has never once tried to go to therapy. And as far as him getting medicated for his depression he said no way, and that I can understand as he is active duty and is would make him not eligible to deploy.
A friend of mine said if I was in the military and saving my marriage was the mission, I would have a ton of medals. But while I once thought that to be true, I think all the therapy and the book reading and all were not the full answer. I applied bits and peices of what I learned, and I certainly made big changes that I am proud of myself for! But what I never did was learn to get my own life. These past few years have been my marriage first, us first, me last. And somehow deep down I knew that was probably the most important thing I can do. I don't know why I couldnt...
Im rambling. I truly do love this man. I have only written about the toxicity. The troubles. But there is another side to us and its what makes me want to work harder. He gets me. He has been someone I have been in love with since I first met him in high school. We did not get married until years later, in fact we lost touch for about 15 years. But i never forgot him, always compared people to him. I love the man, I really do. I get so angry that we both have such messed up pasts that have interferred with our marriage. It doesn't seem fair.
When someone says they are not happy, that you have beaten all of the "care" out of them, that its toxic and they want it to end... does that fall into another category? Is there any hope? I just feel there is still. I don't know.
